Me: *sleeps through an earthquake*
Husband: *gently moves his foot in bed*
Me: Are you going to keep me up all night?
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I used to pretend I could read because it made my sister so mad that I could do something she couldn’t. Of course, my older cousin, who could read, looked over my shoulder and said “you’re just making up that story” and my sister to this day, still DOESN’T believe I CAN read!
My Mom keeps warning me about talking to strangers on the Internet.
I’m 34 now Mom. I don’t talk to them. I sleep with them.
What was that movie where the guy shrunk his kids then told his wife about it
Breaking news:
I was visiting my parents this past weekend and Y’ALL, I had no idea how intense birdwatching can get.
For cardio I live beyond my means.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
[finally rich enough to go to a tailor]
“How can I help you sir?”
One clothes please!
A reboot of Dexter, but this time he stalks and kills people who crunch their disposable water bottles as they drink.
Me: how are you?
Toddler: shitty.
Me: I hear that.
Toddler: can you change me?
Me: I can try but happiness comes from within.
Wife: HIS DIAPER YOU IDIOT.
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
If biscuits were slimming and contained every nutrient the human body needs, I’d be in terrific shape.
I took my family out to an authentic Vietnamese place. My wife and I had pho. The kids sewed Nikes for 14 hours and were beaten. Great pho.
B
I keep telling my dog that it’s just wind there’s nothing to worry about. He’s not getting it. He just looks at me like bro, if you don’t let me go outside rn and bark at that wind, it’s gonna kill us!
ME: all of these expired do you have any newer ones
CORONER: no
“Very colorful, fun. I’d put it in my mouth”
“A bit scary, seems sharp. Still, I’d put it in my mouth”
-Baby reviews of stuff on the floor
My brother in law is devastated that he didn’t get into the next London marathon.
I’ve never related to anyone less.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
*the fog lifts*
*the fog eats a high protein-low fat diet*
*the fog does cardio*
*the fog is fit af*
Is it weird how saying sentences backwards creates backwards sentences saying how weird it is?
No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
*goes to Costco to stock up*
*comes home with all the Doritos*
Black Eyed Peas: Whatcha gonna do with all that junk, all that junk inside your trunk?
Me: I’m gonna leave it there indefinitely but then act all embarrassed and say “my car is not usually a mess” when people get in it.
I’m an asshole.
Sent from my Apple Watch
I don’t know who the pun editor of the NY Post is, but the headline PEACHES’ DEATH IS STILL FUZZY deserves a citation and/or beating.
Me: I can’t believe I’m only discovering Fleetwood Mac now.
Girlfriend: I’ve heard Rumours
Me: No, it’s true Sandra. They’re an actual band.
Getting ready for work, Hank stared in the mirror and sighed. Assistant manager at Applebee’s might not be his dream job, but at least it kept a roof over their heads and put trash on the table.