Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
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Just now on tube. Man in rush loses coat draped round shoulders in train doors. Woman retrieves it and calls out ‘Batman, your cape.’
me: no don’t open that candy before din-
5: [opens bag of candy and skittles go everywhere]
me: [deep breath] iwantedkidsiwantedkidsiwantedkids. ididthistomyselfididthistomyself.
My parents, 2017:
“Put down your phone and hang out with your kids.”My parents, 1989:
“Shhh, not now, we’re watching TV.”
When asked my theory on Amelia Earhart’s disappearance I said “maybe she went black” and now I don’t have to help with homework
Daughter: are ghosts real?
Me: no.
Daughter: grandma told me ghosts are real.
Me: honey, grandma passed away before you were bor-wait.
Me: please tell me my future, madame
Palm reader: *studies my hand* it says ‘lots of seks and the good cheeses’
Me: awesome
Palm reader: in sharpie
Me: yeah
Palm reader: you’re going to die alone
“can i smoke in here?”
“sure go ahead sir”
“thanks”
*lights scented candle*
“can i scatter rose petals in here?”
“erm-
“can i dim the lights
there should be a drug that makes you addicted to cleaning the apartment
I wish they had an app that allows you to delete your number from other ppl’s phones.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My wife just threatened to kill me in my sleep, which seems much less horrifying than being killed wide awake. She’s always been thoughtful.
According to this Ancestry DNA test, I’m 40% caveman. Thanks, Flintstones vitamins.
From my Mom
For those who are Struggling with English:
Don’t = Do not
Won’t = Wo notFollow me for more advice…
Man: “If I did not know about God and sin, would I go to hell?” Priest: “No, not if you did not know.” Man: “Then why did you tell me?”
Just saw a piece of jewelry made in 1982 described as “vintage” so I’ll be laying down the rest of the day
Anytime I’m using a stall in a public restroom and someone knocks on the door, I always say, “Did you bring the lube?” As loud as possible.
When my son loses his 1st tooth, Im putting $1 under his pillow and a note that says “I’ll be back with a hammer for the rest. -Tooth Fairy”
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
Are you watching too much T.V but not doing enough reading? Turn your subtitles on. Boom, problem solved!
My wife asked if I got everything at the store, I told her no just what wasn’t on the list.
Time for evil
does anyone else pack underwear like they’re going to shit themselves every single day of a trip?
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Heading to Lowe’s to pretend like I know wtf I’m doing.
Imagine accidentally walking in on someone in the bathroom who’s not on their phone.
Just sitting there, hands on their lap like a psychopath.
well well well if it isn’t my neighbor thinking he can sit on a porch better than me
[on the playground]
mom: go play with that little boy honey, he’s got a race car
3-year-old shania twain: mommy that don’t impwessa me much
Cop: You’re driving on the wrong side of the road.
Driver: Sorry, I’m English.
Cop: (shouting) It’s the wrong soid of the roade ye was droivin down, innit?
My family: u about to go to work???
Me in my work clothes: