My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
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If the hand soap isn’t for drinking why do they put a straw in the bottle?
I feel bad for my Roomba, so every other day I vacuum while it sits on the couch watching TV and drinking beer.
Arrange marriage are scary. What if my husband doesn’t like my boyfriend? 🙄
[before pepper spray was invented]
Cop: *holds pepper grinder in suspect’s face* Say when.
the prophecies have been fulfilled
Today’s episode of Wheel of Fortune has been cancelled because Jesus took the wheel.
My husband and I are giving our daughter driving lessons. He teaches her how to drive, and I teach how to swear at all the other drivers.
I’m not a jealous person but seriously, if you star her tweets one more time I’m going to squeeze the balls of this vodoo doll so hard…
It’s the remix to ignition,
I’m a terrible magician,
I cut your grandma in half,
And now my rabbit is missing.
I hate airplanes and flying. It’s like someone throwing a can full of people over the ocean and hoping someone in Europe will catch it.
I was telling some bro at a party about how I’m related to Emily Brontë and he said “it’s pronounced Blunt”.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
“Your guess is as good as mine”, I lie, knowing that my guesses will always be superior.
I’m not going to bail you out is what my wife says every time I’m going to do something fun.
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
What should we call this portable computer?
SOME GUY: Laptop
[everyone applauds…w/ tears in my eyes i crumple a paper that says Kneeputer]
Just once I’d like to see a hostage negotiator aim higher than pizza
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
ME: I want a normal night of sleep
MY BRAIN: Right… So, today, you’re gonna sleep from 1 pm ’til 4 pm & again from 9 pm ’til 2 am. Tomorrow, you’re scheduled for 2 hours. The next day is 19 hours which should make up for it but you’ll somehow feel even more tired after. Haha.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
The days of good grammer has went
*comes home from work
*wife jumps in my arms
*sees I’m crying
wife: Why are you crying?
me: You just crushed all the Oreo’s in my fanny pack
Lost the library card. Been missing over a month.
Went and got a new library card.
Came home, put library card in a safe place and found old library card in the same spot.
my beloved wife was on the second earth as it detached from our earth and drifted forever #FirstWorldProblems
ME: “I’ll have a rum & coke.”
HIM: “I can’t serve you.”
ME: “Because I’m too drunk?”
HIM: “No. ’cause this is a hardware store.”
Old age is nothing but a computer with 1000 GB of memory running on a celeron processor
Ok whatever idiot taught my kids that they’re beautiful just the way they are, can you tell them they still need to bathe.