Just telling everybody I meet that I’m a Viking, nobody checks
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Guys that squirrel is on my patio in the dark dragging his little hand across his throat shit what do I do
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Sorry Im late, I saw that Spongebob episode where he’s a lifeguard but cant swim, even though they live underwater & now my brain is leaking
Not to brag but I reminded two people to drink water today. They were already at the cooler, but still
Accidentally cut an old cat-5 cable and now the basement is flooded with internet.
*Three fingers stuck in my piggy bank
Firefighters: I’m not sure this is what they meant by stimulating the economy
Friend at bar asking what everyone wants in thier drinks: Do you like lime?
Other friend: What, like in tacos?
This is why I love them.
Imagine having a subordinate at work who can’t perform basic job duties, requires constant oversight, and questions your every decision with another supervisor. Parenting. I just described parenting.
dog: [watching me take a shit] awkward, isn’t it
just learned from my mom that my brother is contributing so heavily to chocolate milk sales at the local supermarket that they’ve requested to be notified when he leaves for college so that they don’t overstock
Tell your household jumble of working & non working miscellaneous cables I said hi
guy finding a big puddle of blood in a horror movie: (touches it and looks at his fingers) it’s blood
wife: Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
me [whispers] Why are there little handprints all over the wall?
toddler [whispers] Because I have small hands
me: Because he has small hands
WHERE WAS OBAMA DURING THE SAN FRANCISCO EARTHQUAKE OF 1906???
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
I hate when recipes tell you to take something out of the pan and add it back in later. No way bro. It’s staying in there.
*maintains eye contact while slowly eating an unpealed pineapple*
My husband and I like to do sweet things for one another. He might switch out my agave for antifreeze. I might cut his brake lines.
*large male nurse rolls chair all the way across room, coming to a stop with his forehead pressed against yours*
SO YOUR CHART SAYS ANXIETY?
What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor:
I just read more people are killed by toasters than sharks. So if you’re swimming in the ocean and see a toaster SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!
*space aliens land on earth*
these humans seem fairly intelligent…
*they log onto facebook*
…who need to be destroyed immediately
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
The year 2077. Due to the dog filter, face swap, and distortion filters, senior citizens have no idea what they really looked like as teens.
The Chinese New Year is almost here. I know they’re in another time zone, but 2 months behind seems a little extreme.
Dog: You stopped scratching my head? Is everything ok?!
Me: Yes, everything’s fine. I’ve been scratching your head for 15 minutes.
Dog: Problems at home?
Me:
*uses blood from wounds to write my killer’s name on the floor*
I…will be…avenged. NO! BAD DOG! DON’T LICK THAT! DADDY NEEDS JUSTICE!
[DOG COP TV DRAMA]
DOG SHERIFF: Drop the gun, Scruffy. Be a good boy!
SCRUFFY: I know a little secret *lifts gun* All dogs go to Heaven.