FRIEND: do you know the baby’s sex
ME [covering pregnant wife’s ears]: ew no gross what kind of position is that
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“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
When a stranger changes in front of you, they’re either interested or you’re friend zoned.
It’s hard to tell from this tree.
Knock knock?? Who’s there?? Jehovah Witness. Knock knock?? Knock knock?? Hello?? Knock knock??
I had an uncle who died on a trampoline. What he was doing with a trampoline in the middle of the Vietnam War, I’ll never know.
[creation of insects]
LIGHTNING BUG: I will illuminate the night
BEE: I will pollinate flowers
FLY: I will eat shit and die
Text from wife: I’m so sorry, I’m gonna be about half an hour late
Me [forgot we were even meeting, still in bed]: you always do this
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
Me: You want to see me rip a phone book in half?
Kid: What’s a phone book?
I thought the English would use more sophisticated gifs but, sadly, no. Nothing Dickensian or Shakespearean. Just lots of Hugh Grant shrugging.
Naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
I was once told that if you can’t say anything nice, don’t say anything at all. Due to this,I’ve been observing a vow of silence since 1997.
Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
I don’t know who needs to hear this but if you’re going to rob a bank make sure it’s not the one you normally use.
Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
“I’M COLD!” yells the teen who is wearing shorts & a tshirt in 40 degree weather & ignored his mother when she said to dress warmer.
[mysterious British man rescues me]
Me: How?
Him: Bond [introducing himself as we leave prison], bail bond.
Dm: Hi
Me: but have you even accepted Jesus as your Lord and savior?
Unfollowed a bunch of people this morning because of their views on sweater vests.
I accidentally gave my newborn Muscle Milk instead of formula and now he’s blasting Pantera and doing one arm pull-ups off his crib
Nurse: strip down to your underpants
Me: ok *removes pants to reveal second pair of pants*
[Spelling Bee]
-Your word is ‘leniency’
-Can you use it in a sentence?
-*gets law degree*
*works in law*
*becomes judge*
*fines robber £1*
[exchanging vows]
HIM: I’ll love you forever.
HER: I’ll love you until you leave me a voicemail.
HIM: Wait, what?!
PRIEST: No, that’s fair.
*tip toes out front door*
*wife texts me from China*“Where you going?”
me: I can’t tell you how long I’ve been waiting
clock repairman: I know, please stop saying that
wife: what did i ask you to do?
me: buy the name-brand repellent
wife: and what did you do?
me: i bought the cheap stuff
wife: you bought the cheap stuff
me: it was half the-
wife: and what do we have now?
me: *sigh* we have elephants
wife: we have elephants
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Of all my body parts that could be throbbing, why is it always my sinuses
One time I said “might be the alternator” when the car didn’t start because I actually don’t know anything about cars. Anyway I was quickly exposed by my wife who said “pretty sure it’s because you’re using the house key”.
For sale: baby shoes. Never worn. Nothing sinister! Wrong size. Should’ve measured. First baby. Very excited!!
Batman – utility belt.
Homer Simpson – futility belt.