After my second “oh shit that’s crazy” it’s time to wrap up your story.
You Might Also Like
The holiday season is fast approaching. Let’s celebrate with the Happy Triangle Man. 💩
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
I’m basically only good at three things:
1. Programming
2. Counting
Excuse me sir, your feet look very much like mice and I would like to murder them please.
~ my cats
crow 1: wanna hang out?
undercover cop crow: you’re busted for attempted murder
Alfijnbahkfnbsbbakrbbjdnebzk hzueonyvag macarena yrvixndvwhkga ndhwkdbcbe hayvektoubabrjnahor
HEYYYY MACARENA
I made my son a grilled cheese with three pieces of cheese and he said that’s too much cheese.
Now my wife is mad at ME for ordering a DNA test.
ME: i’d like a Big Bacon Classic, Chili Cheese Fries, and Coke
CASHIER: sir, this is a Wendy’s
ME:
CASHIER: sorry it’s just a reflex, we get a lot of weirdos here
A sleeve of Oreos each night will whiten your teeth. Everyone knows this
When you unfollow someone it should pop up with a list of other idiots to unfollow
u guys do know that when u say “frig” we ALL know what you mean? At this point u might as well just say “frog pig” its not even that bad
I got this box of water on my flight last night. It is not better. It tastes like a petting zoo
Sure, Taylor Swift is a hero for performing in the rain, but have you ever waited for your dog to poop in a thunderstorm?
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.
I really wish Facebook would stop suggesting that I make a FB story while showing me the most recent photo in my camera roll, it’s my freaking grocery shopping list
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
I feel like IBM isn’t being roasted enough for their company name.
There are four golden girls and four teenage mutant ninja turtles but ask yourself, why have we never seen them all together in the same place?
“Welcome to D.A.D.D.D.S. Dads Against Dads Doing Dumb Shit. Repeat after me.”
[whole room] “AFTER ME”
“Ok fellas, lets start here”
If it defies all logic, and makes very little sense then it was probably my idea…
-Luca Brasi sleeps with the fishes.
-He has sex with fish?
-He’s dead.
-I’m not surprised. Having sex with fish doesn’t sound very safe.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
When you can’t find your friend Neil
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
“Oooo, a window. Let’s see if I can fly through it.” – Dumbass birds
Good morning to everyone, especially those who don’t need to turn every tweet into a sexual innuendo, I know it’s hard, very hard.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
A fun thing to do on a first date is to slip into conversation that you were homeschooled then immediately be baffled by a fork.