PET PEEVE: Why do we call them baby names? They’re HUMAN NAMES. They don’t expire as you grow up.
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Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
*grandma climbs into time machine*
*shuts the door behind her*
MOM NANA IS STUCK IN THE GRANDFATHER CLOCK AGAIN
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
“Does this hurt?”
“YES!”
“What about this?”
“OW!”
*Dr. writes notes*
“Patient shows symptoms of pain when stabbed with knife. Keep updates.”
[on a date]
me: what’s your favorite book series about a big red dog?
her: uhh Clifford, i guess
me: wow we have a lot in common
Great news everyone! Brontosaurus is a planet again.
A kiss begins with K. But it’s also just a text from someone who doesn’t want to have a conversation with you.
Alex Jones said that lesbians are torturing women and eating their brains.
Ummmmm…Alex? That’s not
What
We
Eat.
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
“Can you tell me what the second to last letter in the alphabet is?”
“Y”
“So I can make a stupid joke”
Me: The brake pads breaked.
Mechanic: Broke.
Me: The broke pads breaked.
I’ve been teaching my daughter to sneak candy into the theater, like any good parent would, but when she pulled a pack of deli ham out of her bag I realized I’ve created a monster
*family reunion*
– flirting shouldn’t be this easy
Hi, I would like to file a complaint against everything.
[i get run over by a bus]
MEDIA: flattened idiot has troubled past, has written over 600 pages of sexualized shrek fan fiction
Me: I’m going to start the day early tomorrow.
WebMD: In the morgue.
A few years ago I began putting away a dollar everytime I wrote a good tweet about hedgehogs.
I need a new financial plan.
You can’t keep running away from your problems, you’re getting older and your kids are getting faster.
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
dracula: you gotta stop
me: [after turning another vegan into a vampire] lmao but they get SO mad
I can’t take my dog to the park as all the ducks keep trying to bite him, but that’s my fault for getting one that’s pure bread.
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
me: I’d like to buy that giraffe
zookeeper: I can’t do that, sir
me: [slips him a coupon for a free giraffe] how about now?
Zookeeper: don’t be ridiculous. this is only valid on Wednesdays
The one time I typed “the” correctly autocorrect changed it to tge
Not trying to brag but I just beat the high score on this blood pressure machine.
Me: Do you want in or out?
My dog: Yes.
I just sighed so loud that my neighbor texted me, “What’s wrong?”
Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”