“Mom…dad…the truth is…I just don’t like steampunk.”
*mother weeps into a handkerchief on a telescoping brass gimble-arm*
*father shouts, ‘You’re no son of mine!’ and flies away in his gear-driven veloci-thopter*
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If you’ve been a bad parent this year, Santa is putting recorders in your kids’ stockings.
what did I do this weekend? saw 50 Shades Darker & coughed through the whole movie on purpose
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
I got locked out of my house after having dinner at an Italian restaurant. I had gnocchi.
Never use profanity. Unless you live on the East Coast. Where it is considered punctuation and shit.
Calling in sick cuz I got the zoomies and gave myself a concussion
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
*brings nachos to your exorcism*
i was in target and a little kid came up to me asking if i could watch something for him while he looks for his momma and i said yes, so he handed me a half-eaten chicken nugget
Man reading a book: hot
Man with a baby: hot
Man reading a book to a baby: hold me back my ovaries have exploded.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
Right about now, I’d say that mistletoe is probably the most deadly plant on earth.
If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
INTERVIEWER: what do you consider your greatest strength
ME: …
INTERVIEWER: …
ME (38 minutes later): I’d say promptness
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
Interviewer: Can you perform under pressure?
Me: I can try but Freddie Mercury had a range I just can’t reproduce.
*wakes up in bed with horse’s head, hits snooze button*
Two sales people approached me at the furniture store. I’m following the one who called me Miss. The Hello Ma’am one should take note.
A bear went into a bar.
“I’d like a whiskey…….
and coke.”
Bartender asks “why the long pause?”
Bear says “oh, I was born with them”.
Me: What you gotta buy from Target?
Her: Target will tell me when I get there
I think it’s cool that when you’re pregnant you not only make a baby but you also make a little table where you can put your cereal bowl.
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
McDonalds CEO: your job is to entertain the children. what is your job?
Ronald McDonald: e-eat them?
McDonalds CEO: goddammit. shock him again
Happy Dhanteras. If you buy gold today, you’ll become rich tomorrow. Except for gold merchants. Who sell gold & become rich today only.
Did you know that you can buy fake teeth online and just glue them to whatever the hell you want?
Lol. If u can’t pass, atleast confuse the teacher 😆😅🙉
Freddie Mercury: “Hey Brian, what rhymes with scaramouche?”
Brian May: um… Fandango?
Freddie: “Perfect!” *snorts another line of coke*
I’m always two drinks away from digging up my backyard to look for dinosaur bones
a snail bet me £1000 he could get home before i could and i didn’t really think it thru properly can anybody lend me money?