I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
You Might Also Like
Protip: If your coworker has a picture of herself and her dog labeled “Beauty and the Beast” you shouldn’t ask her which one is which.
I put the “pro” in inappropriate
I’m not saying he’s a gold digger, but he certainly did not hold back when I took him through the McDonald’s drive thru.
Me when the elevator tries to leave without me
Me: oh no please stop stabbing me
Murderer: your sarcasm is ruining this
I saw a younger couple walking and holding hands today and it reminded me that I need to buy a bottle of vodka.
10 year old: What was it like?
Me: What was what like?
10: Being alive in the 1900’s?
Me: Go to your room.
That awkward moment when you run into your old pizza guy and you’re with your new much younger pizza guy.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
The TV show Reacher answers the age-old question: what if there was a really big guy
I bought some milk over the weekend and also picked a new JavaScript framework to use.
At least one of these will be out of date before the week’s up.
WARNING: Local youths are challenging passers-by to attempt the world record for how fast a person can climb the oak tree on Pinewick Road. DON’T DO IT. Once you’re up the tree, they steal your bicycle. Also, I don’t think they timed me so I don’t even know if I broke the record
Columbus: SO THIS IS INDIA
Natives: actually it’s no-
C: HI INDIANS
N: no see, we are nowhere near-
C: INDIA IS FUN LETS EAT YOUR FOOD
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
My daughter is able to take one chocolate cookie and then go about her day not caring that there’s more.
I’m pretty sure she’s a witch.
me: [pooping in a basket]
hot air balloon pilot: ok everyone out.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
🧵 1/246
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Taking the dog to the vet see you in $300
“Do you want to hold my baby?”
Yeah nice try. You got yourself into this mess you hold your own damn baby.
New mindset, who dis?
police: put ur hands behind ur back
me: are u mad at me
Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
Every escape room should have a planted person that makes hotter/colder faces when somebody has an idea.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
This day in history. 2008. The entire staff of the Canadian Oxford Dictionary was fired. Now damned if I know if it’s moustache or mustache.