TICKET AGENT: and will this be round trip?
FLAT EARTHER: here we go again
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[deserted island]
friend: this coconut bra is really uncomfortable
me: stop complaining *adjusts puffer fish bra*
My diet starts in January
of 2027
Billy Joel: You may be right, I may be crazy! But it just may be a lunatic you’re looking for…
Billy Joel’s 3 ex-wives: Yeah. Nope.
Me: I’ll just tuck this away so I don’t lose it.
Narrator: she would never find it again.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
I always set two wake up alarms, one for the person I want to be and one for the person I am
genie: [unloading my dishwasher] this is ridiculous
if i was the one who drove the titanic i bet i could have hit at least 3 ice bergs before it sank
Just once, I want someone to look at me and say, “That’s her. She’s the one”
And not follow it with “who ate cake out of the garbage”
journalist: is it true that youre attracted to inanimate objects?
me: [lips on mic] that is a false allegation [lips get closer to mic]
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
When people are trending on twitter, I know that they died or said something racist.
Happiness is a warm puppy.
The opposite of happiness is a warm public toilet seat.
I photoshopped myself into a photo booth strip a coworker had on her desk and replaced it. And now we wait…
[2000 years ago]
jesus: merry christmas
stranger: what?
jesus: just say it back i’m trying to start a thing
Rejected Candy Hearts:
– Meh. You’ll do.
– You’ve done worse.
– STD Free
My hair stylist asked for a pic so she could assess my hair for a comeback appointment and I was just told she suddenly left the country.
Interviewer: If we hire you, where do you hope to be in five years?
Me: On paid administrative leave.
advice: describing someone’s cupcakes as being “better than sex” is only a compliment if you aren’t sleeping with them
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
If you love someone, give them a possum in a box. Then you’ll know how they react in a panic and you might change your mind.
“A clean desk is a sign of a cluttered drawer .”
Twitter is an invention created by aliens so we don’t notice the period of time missing when they take us for experimentation.
*holds pen ready*
“How many zeros in one million?”
“Six”
“Ok, thanks”
*writes milli000000n*
Me: Strengths? I never vomit when I’m nervous. *vomits*
HR guy: Umm…you sure about that?
Me: Oh yeah, yeah. I’m just super drunk right now
my glass coffin company “remains to be seen” is not doing as well as i thought it would.
Me: omg JLo is 50 and looks amazing, it’s not fair.
Also me: 17 buffalo wings are a good source of protein.