Me: hey, I like your tummy
Marsupial: thanks, it has pockets
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Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
middle names are so funny. it’s like ok what if we gave this baby a second worse name that’s a little bit of a secret ?? and it kind of has to be marie
gonna make a bumper sticker for my car that says “MY KID IS SMARTER THAN YOU’RE KID” just to troll the grammar nazis behind me
“If anyone has a reason why these two should not be wed, speak now or forever hold your peace”
(from the back)
He saw Creed live in 2003
Monica just destroyed the internet
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
What is with the people who leave the most random product reviews?!
⭐- – – –
The sales clerk was wearing a red shirt. I don’t like red, especially when it’s cloudy outside. That’s why I gave this air fryer 1 star.
when someone is trying to explain crypto to me for the third time and i’m trying to imagine their death in the most super-creative way possible
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
me: what’s our criminology class on?
friend: cannibalism
me: [gasping] a hannibal lecture
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
Any restaurant can be family style if the waiter criticizes your order
Last year my ex and I dressed as opposing political parties for Halloween… best hate sex we ever had.
A drinking game where you do a shot every time you are prompted to update Adobe
“Grampa, how did you support gay marriage? Did you march like civil rights ppl?”
“No. Marching’s hard. I tweeted about it.”
Dad-confession: it took me two pulls to get the mower started today. No one saw it, but I feel I’ve gotta be honest and accountable to all of you when I fall short.
The family dog always likes one person best in the family and if you don’t agree then it’s not you.
Hi. This automated call is to let you know that the prescription you don’t need is available and that the one that you do need has been discontinued. Press one to continue to get annoying calls like this. Press two for the same thing.
Oh so everyone praises the movie ‘Her’ but when I loved my Sims everyone was like “we’re worried” & “you’ve been playing 72 hours straight”
Sex with me is like going to the movies. It’s dark & very loud. Bring candy. You can never predict the ending. Some people leave early.
Me: [driving into a parking garage]
Wife: why are you ducking your head?
Me: the ceiling is super low, I don’t want the car to scrape it.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: that’s fair.
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
HER: let’s be open about how we really feel. I’ll go first I love you.
ME: Ok well… I really, really, don’t want Naruto to end
HER: wtf?
My phone changed Careless Whisper into Casserole Whopper and now I’m on the phone with the CEO of Burger King
Vet: I’m afraid I’m going to have to put your horse down
Me: But why?
Vet: It’s very heavy
Neighbour: I see your wife took the garbage out last night
Me: It’s called date night and we had a nice time
I’ve trapped dozens of birds and woodland creatures in my room but not one has helped me get dressed, and they’re just shitting everywhere.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.