I decided to stop wearing bamboo t-shirts after I got attacked by a family of koalas.
You Might Also Like
me: I want to buy some drugs
dealer: are you a cop
me: would I get a discount
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
Autocorrect is definitely just that kid in class who would very confidently yell out wrong answers
Having to hide your euphoria when a friend says “I’m going to have to cancel tonight”
44.65
*click*
44.87*click*
44.96*click*
44.98*click*
44.99*click*
45.01~ gas pumps
My 4yo just said “is life a dream because it doesn’t make sense” and I suspect he’s right
White girl frustrated in the 1700’s:
“I shan’t even”
How to avoid interaction with coworkers in 4 steps?
1. Take a group selfie
2. Crop everyone out except you
3. Post it on FB
4. Tag all of em
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
Me [sobbing uncontrollably]: why did you say that?
My favorite meteorologist: I honestly thought it would be a nice da—
Me: I WORE SHORTS BECAUSE OF YOU!!!
Every time I delete a selfie, I imagine the sound of a Gremlin being burned alive by the sunlight.
If your kids are getting on your nerves you can take them sledding and watch them face plant into the snow for a sense of justice.
The idiot’s diet is just biting your tongue.
What’s a demon’s favorite Hungarian food?
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Ghoulash.And…
…am I doing this joke thing right?
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
(god creating crows) black. blacker! little beady eyes. deathly squawk
angel: what if there’s a bunch of them
god: MURDER
angel: you ok pal?
I only practice kegels so I can carry in another grocery bag when my hands are full
Nobody’s abs are good enough to convince anyone to move to Iowa.
I never needed anything more in my life
It appears my neighbor’s plastic flamingo was hit by a car. What’s the etiquette? Card? Fruit & nut basket?
Maybe sunscreen is like ketchup to sharks
No your muscles are too big. I don’t want a boyfriend who makes me exercise.
The best thing about your fifties is when they give you diplomatic immunity from the court of public opinion.
‘What’s in the box? What’s in the box? WHATS IN THE BOX!?’ I shout. ‘Ha ha, just kidding my name is Drew and I’m your new gynaecologist’
when no one’s looking worms use shovels to dig
I just paid off a credit card debt with a different credit card & now I get why people rob banks.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
It’s 2014 and somehow we still don’t have a car mirror that can make objects appear exactly as far away as they are.
PHYSICIAN: some truly wonderful news
CURED HAM: thank you so much doctor