Did you fall out of a vending machine?
Cause you look like a snack!
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A really fat friend sat on her cat, long story short – now I can add search & rescue, proctologist and vet to my resume.
*recovering from a broken ankle*
My dogs: Let us protect you by making sure we are under every. single. step.
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
If you’re going to cook a hamster, don’t you dare do it in the microwave. Be civilized. Use a rotisserie.
If a cougar left her teeth next to my bed in a glass of water was that a tip? Do I have to change the water? Do I feed them like goldfish?
hey joggers instead of those dumb little shorts you should wear batman costumes so I can feel like my neighborhood is protected
My 4 year old niece won’t eat the grilled cheese I just made her because it looks funny. Kinda choosy for someone that just ate a crayon.
Me: Why did I walk in this room?
My brain: Not sure but here’s a song from 2005 I’m gonna play on repeat for the next 10 hours.
Once there was a dead bat in our driveway, but he shrieked at me when I tried to pick him up and that’s how I found out dead bats are jerks.
“Open the pod bay doors, Hal.”
“I’m sorry, Dave. I’m afraid I can’t do that.”
“What’s the problem?”
“l think you know what the problem is just as well as l do.”
“Squirrels in the plasma propulsion system?”
“Again.”
“Dammit.”
It’s October so I refuse to kill any spiders in my house in hopes that they do the Halloween decorating for me.
Hello? Yes, this is the chair store calling, are you sitting down? No? well
Your yearly reminder that if you’re mad at what happens to Emma Thompson in Love Actually you can watch Die Hard after and he gets what he deserves
Him: You’re perfect
Me: Nooooo
Him: Ok, close
Me: Wait what’s wrong with me?
[1st day as cop]
captain: “why did you call for back up”
me: “there was a fly in my car”
swat team leader: “what exactly do you think we do”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
[fire alarm]
Hotel California manager: oh no
It’s really not about the dry cleaning bill. I’m just upset that your dog never called my leg afterward.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
As long as Apple doesn’t announce Ben Affleck as the new iPhone I think everything is going to be OK.
I couldn’t figure out how I cut my arm but then I realized I brushed arms with the guy with the barbwire tattoo.
Sometimes it’s fun to walk out of the ladies room licking your fingers.
This generation has discovered the selfie stick. My generation discovered AIDS. Don’t know what’s worse.
Look, I just feel like I shouldn’t have to bend over backward to get an exorcism.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
There’s no point using Latin phrases if you don’t understand what they mean, and vice versa.
If a performance is exceptionally bad, I throw potatoes. They’ll remember next time.
How to tell if you’re wearing too much Axe:
1. Are you wearing Axe?
No- Good.
Yes- That’s too much.
I will be with you always and forever, even during the rough times, until the day we die.
-Herpes
Science Deniers will follow you to the ends of the earth.