Not to brag, but I’ve seen Barbie naked.
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[reptile house]
Zookeeper: Would you like to pet the snake?
Wife: Sure!
Me: Oh, so it’s okay when HE asks?!?
I like men with glasses because once they come off everything is a little blurry and I’m very okay with that
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
my 5 year old is in a book club with his grandma, aunt, and uncle, and they’re all reading stuart little. they meet on sundays. they call themselves the Bookaloes (Book buffaloes?) it’s the best thing
Don’t have a house cat drive you to the post office. I know that now.
call 2 psychiatrists and tell them ur gonna put them on the phone with a guy who thinks he’s a psychiatrist. now put them in the same call.
me: how would you like the steak sir
sir: well done
me: thank you but how would you like the steak
DOC: We got your blood tests back
ME: Is it small pox like I thought?
DOC: No, it’s even worse
ME: What could be worse than small pox?
DOC: Big pox
ME: Oh right. It seems obvious now that I think about it
I’m writing a book about how to come up with imaginative titles called “How to come up with imaginative titles – a book’.
Interviewer: tell me about your leadership skills
Me: YOU tell ME about my leadership skills
Interviewer: holy shit, you’re hired
Me: I’m sorry, we have to let you go
Interviewer: dammit
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
*drops exactly one thinly-sliced piece of ham in each child’s Halloween bag*
My 5yo has come up with bedtime topics such as how elephants give birth, how the sun produces heat, and natural disasters.
I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color
My wife’s been recovered from COVID for over a month and she still insists that it’s safer for me to sleep on the couch.
*swirling Gatorade in a wine glass*
Ah yes, the sportings, I have perused that endeavor. The throwing, the goalings, I love it all.
Interviewer: I don’t think you’re a good fit for the job.
Me: [glances up from Game Boy] What makes you say that?
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Gather ’round you single losers so I can throw my used flowers at you -Brides
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, “I don’t think you’re supposed call people that any more.”
i think my idea of romance stems from 1957, when men were men and women leaned seductively against juke boxes
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
STOP TEXTING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
me: i really messed up this time. we’re in deep with the cartel.
my wife: how much money do you owe pampered chef this time?
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
finally found a reasonable question
Seek kebab; not attention
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs