Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
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I’m woman enough to admit when you’re wrong
*Gets haircut*
“Omg I love it”*Ten minutes later*
“Dear God what have I done?”
I’m just like King Midas except everything I touch complains to human resources
[GOD INVENTING THE ELEPHANT]
Give that cow a vacuum.
My son would never be living in my basement as an adult. He’s smart, ambitious, hard-working, but most of all, he knows the WiFi down there sucks.
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
A doctor’s 5 minutes is longer than a woman’s 5 minutes, so if a female doctor tells you she’ll back in be 5 minutes…you’re screwed.
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Baby Soldier: Ma’am. Your husband is MIA.
Soldiers wife: *covers crying face with hands*
Baby Soldier: Oh great! Now his wife is MIA too.
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
Probably the most valuable life lesson I’ve learned from a movie is to not steal black girls’ cheer routines.
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
😜😜 Happy Saturday folks ☕️☕️
HIM: I’m sorry I spilled my drink, I ruined your jacket.
FIRST GUY TO WEAR A REVERSIBLE JACKET: *Trying very hard to contain excitement* Actually, you didn’t.
If you aggressively tailgate me in traffic, I will get over and let you pass. And then I’m gonna become your new best friend until one of us exits.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Give a man a fish, he’ll eat for a day.
Teach a man to fish, he’ll contribute to the global overdepletion of the ocean.
So give him a salad, maybe.
I guess his other shirt, “Build the wall or I’ll gargle your balls” was at the drycleaners
I put the p in pants.
Math is like my parenting. I do it when I have to, but I’m not great at it.
Someone needs to reimagine Dracula as a sugar glider
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
HOW TO KEEP YOUR MOM OFF TWITTER
When someone asks “You know what I think?”, I say “Yes I do”. End of discussion.
Some people rescued a great white shark that washed up on a beach, just like sharks would do for us if we were carried out into the ocean.
Of course my children don’t listen to me. I’m not YouTube.
*lays down on the battlefield*
You all go on without me. I’m tired.
Extremely suspicious that there’s no information about brains that didn’t come from a brain
“I just want a guy that makes me laugh”
*makes her laugh*
“Not you.”
Hey “greatest generation” why is every thrift store filled with ceramic clowns