Me: I love this weather! I just want to open all the doors and windows and let the crisp morning air flow.
Her: I agree but can we land first?
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Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
does anyone in IT care to admit that when someone submits a help request you quietly fix the problem behind the scenes and then tell them to try something super obvious so they look like an idiot?
I was going to delete that tweet with the typo but then I realized it was upsetting people.
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.
My dog just tracked and successfully located a folium lanceolatum, more commonly known as a leaf.
When I play rock paper scissors I always pick Rock because Dwayne Johnson shows up and punches my opponent.
Using a cellphone in 90’s: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Using a payphone today: “he’s prob a drug dealer”
Pregnant women love it if you go up to them in public and ask if it’s yours
the corner of the glass coffee table stalks its prey, ready to attack the shin of any unlucky soul that sleepily stumbles in striking range
[every game of Words with Friends with me]
Opponent: plays QUIZZIFY for 419 points
Me: plays POO for 6
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: oh wow that was really fast
I let my toddler play with my phone today so now everything is in Spanish and I have 273 pictures of her left hand
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
My turn ons are naps, cereal, and seeing women that are prettier than me trip over cracks in the sidewalk…
[being chased by a murderer] can we slow down i’m not wearing a bra
Her: OMG you’re alive!!! I heard you bought the farm!
ME: No no, I bought “a” farm.
HER: but I told everyone you’re dead!
ME: That’s fine
I love picking out my wife’s panties except this isn’t my house and now some dudes are yelling for me to come downstairs with my hands up
Wedlock even sounds like a threat.
Apparently a ‘Defibrillator’ doesn’t make someone tell the truth
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
and then you go like this
and then you go like this
and then you go like this– me on my own cooking show
This woman ahead of me…Will. Not. Shut. Up. Never mind. That’s a mirror.
I could never trust Jon Bon Jovi after he sang “ohhhh we’re halfway there” on track 3 of a 10 track album.
Screamed in horror as I woke to find two severed horse heads in my bed, but then laughed remembering I hadn’t removed the one from yesterday
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
Something Saturday.
Yelling at your kid when they’re your height just hits different.