When I can’t find my car keys, I’m grateful for the most helpful suggestions like “Where did you last leave them?” and “They’ll turn up”.
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Hot single narcissists in your area want to be rude to you and then pretend nothing happened.
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
My mom enjoyed nearly 4 years as Grandma but thanks to my youngest her name is now Bogma.
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself. And spiders. And enclosed spaces. And snakes. And heights. And diseases. And sharks. And that goddamn clown from “IT.” – My presidential inauguration speech
My trainer told me to get on all fours and I got excited until she said now do tricep extensions.
I’ve reached the age where that spot on my arm could either be a questionable mole or dried nacho cheese.
Child twister: “I can’t tear up that farmhouse, Dad”
Dad twister: “Come on son – we’re Kansas tornadoes, not Kan’tsas tornadoesn’ts”
I once got a bonus onion ring in my fries at a restaurant that didn’t serve onion rings if you’re wondering who’s top shelf around here
Interviewer: what would you say is your biggest weakness?
Me: [wearing my wife’s wedding dress] laundry
Me: [print]
Printer: You’re low on ink
Me: What? I just bought ink
P: You’re low on magenta
Me: I want to print in black
P: You need magenta
Me: wtf I just need black & black is full
P: magennnnta
Me: [buys and installs $30 magenta cartridge]
Me: [print]
P: So, about your cyan
is it earth
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
Whomever receives my blood, coagulations. Fastest indicator will be the unnatural pull to mustard pretzels.
Those magical three words you’ve been waiting so long to hear. Red, or white?
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
The guy in the stall beside doesn’t know he can shut off his camera shutter…..
In Soviet Russia a bar walks into men. The case of the man-killing-bar remains unsolved.
*sees cute doctor in scrubs*
*falls over* HELP! I need mouth-to-mouth!Doc: …
Me: Aren’t you obligated to help?Husband: GET UP!
It’s not a walk of shame if you leave on a pogo stick.
Editor’s note: sorry about ‘snowboard’ typo, should be ‘snowboarder’ found dead
You’ll never convince me people eat raisins for any other reason than by accident.
My husband told me I was overreacting. Then he got to witness me over overreacting.
OUCH I HAVE A FOOT CRAMP
You’re dehydrated
[Walks on toes]
Drink some water
[Crawls on knees]
Drink water
[Lays on floor]
Water-
[Dies]
Catching up on last night’s crime shows, don’t spoil it….. does someone die? No, don’t tell me.
DR: call me with any questions
[phone rings 20 min later]
DR: hello…?
ME: you like dogs?
WIFE: I need a new book. Something to really get my teeth into
ME: You’re thinking of a sandwich
Relationship status: DON’T TELL ME TO CALM DOWN, YOU CALLED A STORMTROOPER A ROBOT
therapist : are you ever worried that-
me: Yes
Synchronized diving would be far more interesting without the pool.