Women aren’t that complicated. They just want an honest and genuine guy who will give them insincere compliments they might not deserve.
You Might Also Like
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
Is it proper etiquette to place your phone to the left or right of your silverware at the dinner table?
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
[homeless guy walks up to me at the park]
“what are you doing inside my house?”
Prince: I’m deleting dating apps so I can find love the old fashioned way (by kissing dead girls in the woods while 7 short people watch)
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
Murder is like cilantro. You either love it. Or it tastes like soap.
My dog is expecting a treat for bravely protecting us from the oven timer.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
I have the dance moves of a dog with mittens on its paws.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
If by “new money” you mean it hasn’t been printed yet, yes, that’s me.
*learning CPR*
CPR dummy: I have a boyfriend.
*undercover cop knocks* Hi fill out this survey to win a free IPad!
1. name
2. address
3. email
4. where are drugs
*mustache falls off*
Co-pilot: you need to let the passengers know but keep them calm
Me *presses intercom* how fun is swimming?!
An episode of Unsolved mysteries, but it’s just parenting a teenaged boy and trying to figure out why you’re out of moisturizer again.
[gun goes off]
[every runner pretends to be wounded, then laughs and starts the race]
ANNOUNCER: and the annual Dad 5k is underway
One minute you’re young and carefree, and the next you’re the person who says, “Did you fall in?” when someone’s in the bathroom too long.
In a parallel universe nobody can park.
My sister texted and asked if she and her kids could come over,
and now I’m frantically looking for a new place to live.
OMG… JUST OPENED A CUPBOARD AND ALL MY POSTAGE STAMPS ARE PREGNA-
Oh wait, it’s Ravioli.
Jesus. But make it not Jesus and not fashion.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “bananas”
GWEN STEFANI: oh hell yes
My husband needs a hearing aid but refuses to get one because it’s the key to our happy marriage.
Just settled a divorce over visitation of a parrot. Neither may teach it negative phrases about the other. I went to law school for this.
In high school I carried around a pocket full of Barbie doll heads. Then when boys asked me for a little head, I gave them one.
There is wisdom there.
Waiter, Waiter, I don’t eat meat, fish, eggs, gluten or dairy. What do you recommend?
A taxi.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes