“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
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ME: what’s for dinner
KIDNAPPER: omg we let you go four hours ago
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
*sends epic tweet*
[no likes 3 hours later]
*waits 2 weeks, sends again*
[no likes 1 day later]
*starts typing*
NSA: dude, let it go
What in the hipster hell is going on here
Anybody here really good at Wheel of Fortune? I need help figuring out a drunk dm.
My favorite pastime is roasting marshmallows over the bridges I burn.
Oh, those stick figures on your car aren’t for the bike riders you hit?
*removes 14 stick figures from car*
My husband and I made appointments for pedicures and when we got to the salon the person assigned to him is a guy and watching my husband awkwardly try to act like he isn’t enjoying his foot rub is giving me life.
If my grandfather were alive today he’d be trapped in a box underground. Horrible to think about really.
He told me to come dressed to kill for our first date…
I now realise my Freddie Krueger outfit was not what he had in mind
Oh yeh? Explain this then
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
Suggested my 10 y/o daughter pay for her friend’s birthday gift with her tooth fairy cash and she said, “No way, I sacrificed body parts for that money.”
Bully: Give me your lunch money
Me (clutching my lunch sack against my body): My name isn’t Money
The homework is due on Monday.
“Can I get an extension?”
The homework is due on Monday.png
Every email I ever send: Hello! I am extremely excited to be corresponding with you! You can tell by the number of exclamation points I use! Here is one sentence with a period so that I don’t come across as manic. Thanks!
doctor: do you smoke?
me: only after sex
doctor: *notices my “gamers don’t die they just respawn” shirt* you can just say yes
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
*Food arrives*
*Waits 3 days*
*Slowly takes bite of food*
*Waitress appears from under the table in camouflage*
HOW IS EVERYTHING??
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
“It’s-a me… Where’s-a Thanos?”
Oh we’ve met.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?
Who.
Did.
This?
interviewer : you said you have a dark past, so why should we hire you ?
me : …so I can pay my electricity bills
[At supermarket]
“Excuse me do you work here?”
WHAT? ME? Work HERE? Hell no. I went to college. I don’t have a job
If I were God I’d tell everyone that I created the animals and that I don’t know what happened after that.
I took the battery out of my biological clock and put it in the TV remote.
Best friend, helping me dig a hole: so tell me again what happened?
Me: he came home to me sitting on the couch after I spent the entire day cleaning the house and said, ‘you’re just where I left you.’