Nothing says “I enjoyed the taste of paste, fingerpaint, and crayons in first grade” more than a potato chip bag opened from the bottom.
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My boss is coming to my grandad’s funeral tomorrow.
He said, after his 3 previous funerals he personally wants to see him go in the ground
[priest sees me approaching him again] look man we can’t make you better at fortnite
It’s dumb to call the Super Bowl winner “World” Champions. With all these UFOs they should be called Intergalactic Champions
Overindulged this afternoon.
[me, to my brother] I can’t believe we’ve never been to Coachella
[my Ukrainian grandfather] when I your age, bear eat my wife
I hunt my potatoes the old way. Naked, in the snow, with a bow and arrow.
I’ve received so many Christmas cards from people I don’t know this year, probably because they weren’t addressed to me.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
Sometimes in the ‘special talents’ section of a resume I like to draw a picture of a cat
7yo: Mom, did you really lose my tooth?
Me: I’m going to be completely hones-
7: *begins crying*
Me: Daddy did. He totally did.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
Kids these days won’t get the trauma of passing notes in class and hoping nobody reads it until it reaches the recipient.
The Joker furiously scrolling through Batman’s old tweets for anything problematic
*takes everything personally
Everyone: hey, give me that back!
the Purge but instead of killing for 24 hours we get to talk to customers the way they talk to us
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
[parking garage]
FBI: got the file?
Me: [attempts to whistle but spits on Agent]
FBI: for the last time that’s not Whistleblowing
I’m surprised the sloths made it to the ark in time.
Darth Vader: I killed three whole planets.
Thanos: I killed half the universe.
Voldemort: I uhh…almost killed this one kid like 7 times.
Everyone:
Voldemort: *shakes head sadly* stupid mother’s love.
Hitlers gonna hitl
[What I think he saw]
Me, seductively sucking and licking my index finger in a flirtatious way.
[What he actually saw]
Me, gagging and drooling while fishing a popcorn kernel off the back of my throat.
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
Voldemort: I’ve hidden the first part of my soul in a cup full of poison on an island in a lake full of monsters and its all hidden in a cave
Me: and the last piece?
Voldemort: at a high school in a room everyone hides their junk lmao
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
I finally convinced Grandpa to watch Avengers with me.
Grandpa: Who’s that guy?
Me: Captain America.
Grandpa: Then the blonde must be Captain Hammer.
Me: No, that’s Thor.
Grandpa: …Thor? What, like from the Bible?
Me: Um… Yes?
Grandpa: I don’t like church movies.
Pro tip: smell the fragrant hand soap on your fingers while you’re in the restaurant’s restroom, not on your way back to the table.
Justin Bieber was “Baptized” last night….
Or as the church likes to call it… “A failed attempt to drown Bieber”
God: you’re a Squid.
Squid: actually I’m a Kraken.
God: what’s a Kraken?
Squid: nothing what’s a Kraken with you? lol.
God: wa-was that an ocean pun?
Squid: maybe, did you like it : )
God:
Squid:
God: you krilled it : )
“There is a policeman in here and he will ARREST YOU.” And other inspirational things I say to my kids when we’re in public.
Had another account randomly tweet me to tell me that my avi creeps them out.
Thanks. It’s my face. lol