elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
You Might Also Like
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
A group of teenagers is called a suspicion.
Keep your friends’ cake
and your enemies’ cake.
You look like the kind of person who touches garden gnomes appropriately.
I apply an inordinate amount of baby oil for someone who is not a bodybuilder.
Everyone loves their weighted blankets and talks about loving feeling all wrapped up but as soon as I mention wearing socks to bed everyone’s like noo I don’t want to feel constricted my feet must be freee
Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
At this point the only way a handsome man’s ever going to chase me through an airport is if I steal his bag off the carousel.
me: will I ever have sex again?
doctor: not with that haircut
“Welcome to Fight Club,” said the man with the rock hard abs. I looked around, clutching my kite, becoming worried.
If your wife is a school crossing guard, you’re missing a huge opportunity if you don’t tell people she’s into human trafficking.
It only looks like my kids are having popsicles for breakfast, Brenda, those are clearly frozen smoothies
[Job interview]
Him: Do you have any questions?
Me: What kind of snacks are in the vending machine?
Yes ma’am, I understand you’re taking “pitchures” so I’m sorry for accidentally walking in front of you in this very public place.
Instead of using the same password everywhere, I use multiple variations of the same password where I replace one letter with a special character or number, add extra letters and so on
This is super secure and protects all my accounts from ever being logged into by ME……😂😂
(loudly in my apartment in case there’s a murderer here) I love murderers
i’m still crying at this
The way I act when I have to line my wheel up at the car wash you would think I’m trying to land a 747 on a tightrope.
Boss: *swivelling in his chair to greet me as I enter his office* I have a job for you
Me: *sighing* again?
Boss: again
Me: *spins his chair*
Boss: weeeeeeeeeeeeeee
Mugger: Give me everything you got
Me: Hope you like a low credit score and insomnia
me: well, you know, change is inedible
her: i think you mean inevitable
me: *spitting out several nickels* nope
It’s not illegal to tell a ghost story when a cop shines a flashlight in your face
If I hear people screaming, I always go check on them. Not because I’m nosy or some kind of hero. There might be ice cream.
Me: *sitting naked on the exam table*
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s my desk.
Me: What?
Doctor: Are you ready for your hearing test?
Her: Look, I made a huge mistake hooking up with you, OK? I love my boyfriend.
Me: Yea, I could really sense that when you were taking my belt off with your teeth…
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
[from the sperm donation room]
Me: *screaming with the door cracked open* I NEED MORE CUPS
Your lips say no but your eyes, they say no too. And your body language, that definitely says no. What I’m saying is you’re very consistent.
My 5 yo always asks for 5 of any treat, because he thinks that’s how it works. I told him that was ridiculous while polishing off my 42nd chocolate chip cookie
My neighbor is trying to organize a block party and it’s like, I think we all know each other well enough, Tall Lady On Corner.