Friend: [admiring photo of me, my husband, two sons and our dog] What a beautiful family.
Me: [whispering] My whole house smells like pee.
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so dumb when forks have less than four pokey things. who do u think u are. a threek? ha
You can pretty much tell me anything is an anagram and I’ll believe it. I’m not about to rearrange a bunch of letters like some doctor
watching shogun with subtitles off so i can feel like just as much of an outsider as the white guy
It was probably the machine that kept the world from turning to shit.
My dog is disabled so I have to hold him up when he pees.
Long story short, I’m getting really good at writing my name in the snow.
What do you call a friend who turns a wine glass into a candle holder?
An acquaintance
Just spent 15 minutes on my knees.
Now, the bathtub is spotless.
Awesome parenting 😂
just learned that all of the “You’re the best!” texts my dad sends me are one of three quick reply options in his Toyota Rav4
Hi..You’ve reached my voicemail. I could come to the phone right now but I saw your name on caller ID so leave a message..or not.
[Planning Rustic Vacation]
Me: Should we rent a cabin or a cottage?
Her: What’s the difference?
M: Well, cottages are usually home to witches who eat children; cabins usually contain partying teens who get murdered by a psychopath.
H: I meant in price.
Her (gently shaking me awake): “Did you know you grind your teeth in your sleep?”
Me (removing mouth guard): “Firstly, yes that’s why I wear this.
Secondly, you shouldn’t be talking to me now.
And thirdly, you need to get back behind the yellow line when I’m driving this bus.”
In India, Twitter crush is choosen by your parents.
When I first started dating my wife she asked me what some of my dreams were. I told her one was about a T-Rex who didn’t get a job because he couldn’t tie a tie.
She meant goals
Damn girl, are you my Boy Scout troop leader? Cause you’re making me pitch a tent.
*meeting a medium for the first time*
Medium: There’s a maternal figure coming through. She loves you very much.
Me: Are there dinosaurs in Heaven?
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.
I cannot imagine being as bored as the first person to poach an egg
cop: you’re so busted
me: thanks. I just had them done
If I’m extra friendly and super sweet when I see you again, it’s cause I’ve forgotten your name
I’m quiet and not great about confronting neighbors, so I renamed our wifi Everyone Hates Your Rooster, Greg.
Please pray for my teen who forgot to jump and touch the doorframe before entering a room today
“Psst.. here’s what we should’ve said”
*my 3am brain waking me to replay an argument from 7 years ago
[Karaoke Bar]
Me: 🎶 Don’t you forget about me 🎶
Them: *ears bleeding* Definitely not possible.
People in my neighborhood think I’m power walking, but really I’m just trying to get home to poop.
Basically I stopped taking men seriously when I entered 2nd grade and learned they all went to Jupiter to get more stupider
I hear you like horror movies
You should see me first thing in the morning when I forgot to take my makeup off
*winks forever*