I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Benefits of dating me:
1. You’re the smart one
What’s green, fuzzy, has four legs, and will kill you if it falls out of a tree?
.
.
A pool table
Nothing makes me feel more “white collar” than when I’m nodding my head at someone pointing to a line graph that I know nothing about.
[dinner party]
GF: [to rich guy] So what do you do?
RICH GUY: I race horses for a living
ME: Do you ever beat them?
I love Trader Joe’s but really wish they had parking lots instead of parking littles
ME: *giggles* I wouldn’t say I have a ‘type’…
DOCTOR: Sir, you’re losing a lot of blood and we need to make this transfusion
I’m the smart one, the funny one AND the good looking one.
*must be why I’m single
Told a woman who was shopping with a newborn that I had teenagers. I was waiting for her to say I looked too young to have teenagers.
She didn’t.
Nobody needed expensive gym memberships in the 70s. They had rotary dial phones.
Every time you block report some porn bot for spam, I lose another follower.
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
*whispers to dog wearing a ‘working dog, do not pet’ vest*
psst what time does your shift end?
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
It isn’t until your kids start talking back that you realize dogs would’ve been a better option.
life is a highway and I’m afraid to merge
I’m still thinking about some great eye contact I got last week. You know when your eyes lock and you both stop talking and just gaze?
Ugh.
Then he kept looking from my left eye to my right eye, back and forth like he was trying to enter my soul through my retinas.
Good stuff.
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
I don’t know what the 5 love languages are but one of them better have peanut butter inside
My 6yo: There’s no school on Friday because it’s a teacher planning day. What does that mean?
Me: [mumbling] They plan on screwing up my Friday, that’s what.
My mom said you have to love me and ask me out for Valentine’s Day
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
Me: I’ve hit rock bottom
The Rock: Harder
WELCOME TO DAYLIGHT SAVINGS!!!! IT IS CHAOS!!! WANT A 6 AM GRILLED CHEESE?? DO IT!! TAKE A NAP AT 1 PM? GO FOR IT!! GET MARRIED IN GREECE AND INVITE THREE MEN WHO MIGHT BE YOUR FATHER?? YOU GO GIRL!!!!
If you eat enough hershey kisses, you can reform the wrappers into a kiss and replace it in the bowl. This is less funny if you live alone.
Last weekend, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie tied the knot in a small intimiate ceremony attended by 20 of their closest children.
Hellocination: when you wave at someone thinking they waved at you, but they were waving to someone else.