I want to be cremated when I die, or at the very least sautéed.
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AMAZON: Your 11 year old niece has a birthday coming up and she loves horses
ALSO AMAZON: do you wanna buy like a sword or a manhole cover or something
Trying to figure out if you practice the violin for many hours every day, or if you just have a really bad hickey.
Whoever said, “Money can’t buy happiness,” never got a personal cheque for $5.00 from their grandma for their birthday.
I washed my antibiotic pills down with a probiotic shake and now I’m back to square one.
8- Dad, why is there oxygen on earth, but not on any other planet?
M- Are you sure you just don’t want to know where baby’s come from?
dog 911: what’s ur emergency?
dog: I JUST ATE CHOCOLATE
dog 911: OMG WAS IT GOOD?
dog: [whimpering]
dog 911: ok ok. go eat some grass
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
At my age, you can spell Ibuprofen and Acetaminophen without googling it.
Me: how long do you boil something to disinfect it
Her: idk google it
Me: can I use your phone, mine’s disinfecting
Her: *googling DIY annulment*
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.
Date: I like a girl who knows about the human body *wink*
Me: *visibly excited* did you know that the right lung is divided into three lobes?
Date: no I meant
Me: but the left lung only has two!
Date: not like th— wait, really?
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesitater.
Hydrate the goths. No government stands a chance against hydrated goths.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Having a child doesn’t make you a father. Sneezing as loud as you can after cutting the grass does.
dictator is short for richard potato
Fool me once shame on you fool me 27 times you’re a piece of lint on the floor disguised as a bug
My 3 year old, who doesn’t notice her pants are inside out or that her shoes are on the wrong feet, can spot a diced onion in her food from 3 feet away
Do Re Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me Me
– Kanye West warming up
WHY DO SWEDISH SHIPS HAVE BARCODES PRINTED ON THE SIDE?
SO YOU CAN SCAN-DA-NAVY-IN
[trying to select cells in a table]
ME: alright, I just need A1 to A20
EXCEL: got it *scrolling*
ME: easy does it
EXCEL: …A15, we’re almost there!
ME: yep, let’s bring it in nice and slow
EXCEL: *breathing heavily*
ME: do not
EXCEL: oops
ME:
EXCEL: A7510
ME: f-in A7510
Sadly, my universal remote control does not control the universe, not even remotely.
a dog shows up to play basketball. but the rulebook never says dogs can’t play. i get it. thats a normal thing to not see coming. but then that same dog plays football, soccer, baseball. time to codify the good faith bipeds only policy, right?
no! they let his kids be ASTRONAUTS
My wife is a 54 year old manager. She went out for some wine with her friends last night. Today there is a traffic cone in our hallway. I love her so much.
Cop *pulling me over*: alright, is there anything I should know about?
Me: heart attack symptoms of men and women differ a lot. Men have chest pain while women mostly feel nauseous
Cop: awesome, see, I didn’t know that. Have a nice day
“Say no to Lindsay Lohan.” – drugs.
I just want a stalker that will power wash my deck while I’m at work
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
Starbucks says it will close 150 stores next year.
And that’s just in one mall.
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.