~mattress store
ME:i need to use the intercom
CASHIER:no
M:this time for real…my kid’s lost
C:
M:
C:fine
M:*to entire store*I SEE BED PEOPLE
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I feel kinda affronted you expect me to make these serious decisions in such a short time
Optometrist sighing: Once again, Is it A or B?
Turn ons include knobs, faucets, buttons, handles, cranks, and ignitions.
18 asked me to explain osmosis so I told her it’s how she knows every 80’s soft hit.
*snowing outside*
HIM: I should salt the front walk
ME, nodding: Ooh, to enhance the umami flavor
It’s been a while since I’ve flown out of the Nashville airport. It’s mayhem. The bachelorette parties have continued into the terminal. Just saw a bro getting escorted out by police, he had pissed himself and was joyfully saying “trust me. Y’all WANT me on that plane!”
I’m at my most financial consultant when I tell the McDonald’s employee what my change back should be.
Big thanks to everyone who bought us wedding china. I think about you every time we move.
this is one of the best threads in twitter history
Online dating has its good points. You can choose your own name, lie through your teeth and you can’t smell their breath.
The computer keyboard was invented before the mouse. It was a precursor.
One time, my dad accidentally made himself a sandwich with catfood. He thought it was liverwurst. When I asked him what he thought the cat on the packaging was all about, he said “I thought that was for decoration“
If you enjoy eating cereal with the 8 drops of milk that was left in the carton, then kids may be for you.
I was pretty nervous doing stand-up in front of a bunch of nudists but then I imagined the crowd in their underwear and it helped so much.
Neighbor: I need to run to the store. Can you watch the baby?
Me (thinks of Daredevil cued up on Netflix): I am a registered sex offender
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Nobody ever says “OMG I saw your twin!” and shows you a picture of somebody attractive. It’s always like “OMG I saw your twin!” and then it’s a picture of a half-eaten sandwich in the garbage
-I heard this dog was chipped.
-Microchipped sir.
-I don’t care how small the chip is, I’m not paying full price.
I put my fitbit on my ankle so that when I’m out in public I look like a felon who escaped house arrest and people won’t want to talk to me
I love snow
– People who never shovel
[taking pregnant wife to hospital ER]
Me: Help! My wife’s having contradictions!
Dr: Don’t you mean contractions?
Wife: Never say never
[describing criminal]
“Blond hair and brown eyes and…uh…what’s with the green paint?”
BOB ROSS: There’s always room for a happy little tree.
If God really didn’t want Adam to take a bite, he should have made it the broccoli of good and evil.
6-year-old: Why do cars have cup holders?
Me: For cups.
6: But you can’t drink and drive.
[About to invent coffee]
Guy: I’m gonna squeeze that bean so hard
Friend: You okay Greg?
Me: *being possessed* Ew, do you always feel like this?
“It’s 3am and everyone is asleep. Must run into random rooms as fast as I can and jump on everything” – cats
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
You don’t wash your hands. Technically they wash themselves.
“Look, I’m just saying that maybe adding a little vodka might be good for business.”
-me, to these kids running this lemonade stand