Therapist: It seems like you have an
acute phobia of marriage. Do you know
the symptoms?Patient: I can’t say I do.
Therapist: Exactly. That’s one of them.
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Lake Superior really needs to lose the attitude.
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
I left my accordion in the car and forgot to lock it. By the time I got back, it was too late. There were four accordions in there
Good for you, the 3 people trying to keep MySpace alive. Good. For. You.
Instagram: look how pretty everything is
Facebook: look how easy everything is
Twitter: look how painfully funny everything can be if you just actually look at it and be honest
Tiktok: look at how dancing everything is
“My advice? Don’t have children. They’re horrible soul-sucking fun-killing disappointing money pits with ZERO upside. Got it?”
“OK, Daddy.”
Anytime someone throws a Great Gatsby themed party, I have to assume they never finished the book.
Me: “Can I buy you a drink?”
Her: “I have a boyfriend.”
Me to barman: “A beer for me and a ‘I have a boyfriend’ for the lady.”
My therapist told me to set a boundary with my family so I built an electric fence around my house. This therapy stuff is really working!
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
SCIENCE TEACHER: What’s the loudest noise in the world?
“Volcanic eruption”
“An explosion”
“An earthquake”ME: Trying to open snacks you don’t want to share
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
IT guy just called to say “ok, you’re cute” I told him that’s sweet but I don’t actually date at work, he paused for a long time and said the application you asked me about? It’s queued.
If you are interested in me, now is the time to shoot your shot. My standards are incredibly low.
Told my dealer I wanted a shitload of Coke but autocorrect changed it to shipload now I owe a Columbian cartel 18 million dollars
I don’t know if I’m still tired or already tired.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Remember to leave milk and cookies out for Captain America tonight.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Having a cat is like having a teddy bear that is always investigating a murder.
The First 48 is on from now until 4am. If anyone needs me I’ll be on my couch solving homicides and eating schnacks.
(Don’t need me)
ME: *watching a meteor shower
METEOR: Can you get out of my bathroom.
Some of y’all tomorrow …
ME, anxiously practicing in mirror: Thanks a LOT. Thanks A lot. THANKS a lot.
*doorbell*
DELIVERY GUY: Here’s your food.
ME, blurting: THANKS A LOT OF DELIVERY GUYS GET KIDNAPPED
Semicolons are like a weekend home from jail; they’re a small break between two shorter but related sentences.
WIFE: honey?
ME: yes dear
WIFE: did something hit the car
ME: yes deer
WIFE: do you know what it was
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it an animal
ME: yes deer
WIFE: was it a rabbit
ME: no deer
No one
Drivers in NC: The light’s only just turned red; I should definitely run it.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
My Shakespeare brings all the boys to the yard
And they’re like
We’re gonna kick your ass fancy boy
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!