I’m watching CNN at 4am and there’s a commercial for a pot that’s “big enough to cook a hundred meatballs”
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me: i can’t believe you cheated on me
him: phew! I was worried you’d believe it
90 people have swine flu and everybody wants to wear a mask. A million people have AIDS and nobody wants to wear a condom.
conversations these days
start with butterflies
and end with therapy
127 hours but when he finally cuts his arm it’s a cake
This is enough internet for the day.
Husband: you’re in great condition.
Me: are you complimenting me or writing a craigslist ad?
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
Due to inflation my love will now be costing a thing
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
What do you see when the Pillsbury Dough Boy bends over?
Two Dough Nuts.
Me: “The doctor said to gargle with salt water when you have a sore throat.”
Kid: “Do we even *have* salt water at home?”
Me: “Oh, boy.”
Me: Okay, give it to me straight. Why doesn’t my food blog get any subscribers?
Food Blog Mentor: Well, you might want to stop posting recipes that end with “food should look like it’s been chewed up and spit out”.
[at my funeral]
ventriloquist: please don’t judge me, he paid me a lot of money to do this
me: hi everybody!
crazy how I used to get arrested for getting drunk outdoors and now it’s pretty much encouraged
Jokes on you hot chick at the bar who gave me a radio station’s phone number I just won Harlem Globetrotter tickets and a Bud Light poncho.
Whenever I see ‘faeces,’ I think ‘faces,’ like “oh my gosh they smeared faces on the wall.”
The Award for Best Actor goes to my husband for his role in “I’m Not Sleeping. I’m Just Resting My Eyes.”
I prefer to think that my proclivity to road rage has enriched my kids vocabularies rather than warped their tiny little minds.
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
As a dad, you’re required to ask your neighbor “You gonna do mine next?” when you see them raking leaves.
me: I may have added too much salt
my snail girlfriend: my brothers will avenge me
1 mojito, 2 mojitos, 3 mojittos, 4 mojjitus, 5 mogytus, 6 mujhitosos, 7 mojhgbvftos, 8 modfgtrescos
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Kraft recalled 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs. I recall 96,000 pounds of cheese-filled hot dogs too. That was one wild summer.
Guns don’t avoid critical thinking by leaning on tired aphorisms. People do.
Acquaintance: If you could go anywhere in the world, where would you go?
Me: Into the Witness Protection Program.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
Welp, there’s definitely something writhing under your porch. I won’t know ‘til I get in there whether we need to set traps or call the diocese.
I consider myself a loyal person but not dog of a homeless guy loyal…