📽️movie date🎞️
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Darn, my 250 million years old salt has expired.
ME: i miss my friends, today i will text them
MY BRAIN: it might be weird because you haven’t texted in so long
ME: you are right, i will wait a little longer to text them
Me: guess who i saw today?
Batman: who?
M: not your parents
B: Y do you always do this?
M: cause they told me to
B: who?
M: not your parents
Controlling my life lately has been like trying to fit an alligator for a retainer.
My 19 y.o. watched a show where a romance ended badly.
In a distressed voice, she asked: “WHY can’t we just have a HAPPY ENDING?”
I involuntarily muttered under my breath: “Because we don’t have the money to pay the masseuse.”
19 y.o.: “What?”
Me: “I didn’t say anything.”
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
‘I murder drifters and use their hair to make little dolls. Oh, you meant at work! My biggest weakness is that I’m a perfectionist.’
Out of Office Auto-Reply:
I’m sorry but I’m overwhelmed and I don’t have my shit together right now so it’s going to be a while until I get back to you, and even when I do it may be a series of sighs and grunts in email form.
mom: are you kids committing seppuku in there
me: [trying to scoop my guts back inside me] NO
mom: ok… no seppuku
WIFE (pulling up my browser history): i need you to explain something
ME: *gulps* uh oh
WIFE (points at my google search for “cry orbs with layers”): how the hell do you forget the word “onion”
Jeez make one joke about putting cyanide in someone’s food and suddenly they don’t want you to cook for them anymore
I misspelled the word “camouflage” so badly that I made 6 different letter combination changes before autocorrect would even try to help me.
2022: I can fix it
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I put the hot in psychotic.
5YO *8:00 am*: When do we get our phones back?
Me: After lunch time
5YO *8:10 am*: I’m hungry, can I have some lunch now
I know it’s impossible to keep kids from screaming when they play outside but I wish there was some way to teach them the difference between “WE ARE HAVING A FUN GAME!” Screaming and “WE ARE BEING BRUTALLY MURDERED!” Screaming
Finished christmas shopping for my entire family.
*walks out of pharmacy*
[bridge]
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: forgetting something?
JUMPER: what?
BUNGEE INSTRUCTOR: your harness.
JUMPER: oh wait lol i’m not with the group.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Ancient wolves be like:
Eat a human and you eat for a day. Make puppy eyes, roll over and show your belly, and the human will feed you for lifetime.
Someone’s overfeeding that damn cat.
I mean.. there’s something like Stonehenge in her litter box.
*Frantically checks the time*
OMG I THINK I’M LATE oh wait that was yesterday
You can tell a dad’s age by counting the number of hours he arrives early to the airport for a flight.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
just kicked half a dozen toys under the sofa and called my house tidy