God must really be loving Stupid people.. He created so many!!
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If i had 5 pancakes and someone asked for 2, I’d still have 5 pancakes.
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
#rubbishjokes
I don’t like Russian dolls.They are so full of themselves.
Madeline was one of my fav things in the world when i was a kid. I wanted to live in an orphanage so bad for fly outfits and to walk in 2 straight lines
If anyone tells me doing something is a piece of cake, I presume it will gradually kill me by making me fat.
“Are you pro gay?” he asked. “Amateur at best,” I replied
My dog must think that the mailman just can’t take a hint
[on the 7th day]
dodo bird: those humans you made, are they uh safe?
god: yeah totally harmless little dude
dodo: *watching adam sharpen a stone* c-can you maybe keep an eye on them?
god: *biting into a kitkat* sure thing buddy
Forgot to mute myself on a Zoom call while my kids were home and my boss gave me three extra weeks of vacation.
me: how much for the wireless mouse?
pet store employee: that’s a hamster
We now live in an age where we rely on technology for even mundane tasks.
Think about it.
Some of you likely need GPS to find your backyard.
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
POLICE! OPEN THE DOOR!
What’s the magic word?
[Cut to them back at the station staring at a chalkboard with dozens of words crossed off]
Do you think about random little things that occurred during your childhood a lot? Like once when I was 6 I saw a man take a bite from the serving spoon of mac n cheese at Golden Corral and have never been to a buffet since.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
If I were Amish, I’d have to convert to Pmish cause I’m not a morning person.
(Auditioning to be a bird)
*accidentally walks into a sliding glass door*
DIRECTOR: Wow, she’s really good.
“I don’t know, it needs a little something. Hand me the garbage pail, Lorraine.”
Accidentally said “No kidding,” instead of “No problem” after someone thanked me for helping them today, if anyone knows of a nice bridge I can leap from.
I get it cicadas I need to scream for a month too
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
“I’m in the best shape of my life!” -Newborn baby
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
On a 1st date, I like to order the family meal so he gets an idea of who he’s dealing with.
DOG: Then he said “Who’s a good boy?”
DOG THERAPIST: *nodding* You are of course
DOG: *wagging tail* I KNOW BUT WHY DOES HE KEEP ASKING?
back in the 80’s, we simply didn’t have the dog technology we do today