My bumper sticker says “My kid is your honor student’s drug dealer.”
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This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
just a reminder that when Shakespeare was in quarantine for the plague, he wrote the lyrics to “thong song”
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation.
Me: [starts testing all the smoke detectors]
You ask me for the time and notice my watch is actually a live shrimp hugging my wrist, he whispers “12:30” but he’s guesstimating as shrimps usually do
bouncer: I’m going to have to ask you to leave
me: why
bouncer: I have no idea who you are and this is my trampoline
Holy shit he’s back
Why do Americans choose from just two people to run for president and 50 for Miss America?
My mother-in-law is visiting & I told my 14-year old to make menus for brunch this morning & they just invented the most popular restaurant in Williamsburg.
“I’m so stoked!”
-An excited fireplace
*first day as salsa dancer
“I’m not cleaning this up.”
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
I’m sorry, you’ll have to repeat that. I’m not fluent in nonsense.
For those of you worried about AI, I think we’ve got a few more years before Skynet is an issue.
Interviewer: where do ya see yourself in 5yrs
Me: going through a Denny’s trash bin
I: but you might get this job
M: haha that’s… irrelevant
Pete: I’m Pete
Peter: I’m Peter
Me, competitive: I’m Petest
Diet tip: your pants will never get too tight if you don’t wear any.
[table of 6 year olds in lab coats]
How are we supposed to find a cure for cooties if we
*bangs fist on table*
CAN’T EVEN FIND WALDO?!
What do you call a cow that eats your grass?
A lawn moo-er.
I heard from someone in the know that every bank is going to collapse this week and we should all go to the banks at the same time and get all of our money out
Me: there you go babe… [lays jacket over puddle so my girl doesn’t get her feet wet]
GF: you could have used your own coat
Sure, sex is cool and all, but have you ever experienced same day delivery from Amazon?
Meet the ghost of a boy who drowned in a pond by his boarding school, and the Latin instructor who drowned him.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
Someone told me they dont get tattoos cuz “you dont put bumper stickers on a Ferrari” which was weird bc he was a 92 Chevy caprice at best
16 yo daughter: I feel like nobody spends time with me
*returns to bedroom where she has had herself locked in for the last 742 days*
Any grown man whose mustache is a different color than his head hair is automatically qualified to be the conductor of a magical train.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
Sorry I wore my ” If you can read this my hiking partners been eaten by a bear. ” T-shirt when we went camping
According to the stores .I should be in a Halloween costume, sitting under a Christmas tree eating turkey . I’m so confused.