It’s the shortest day. Mind your head.
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YOU TWEETED 23 TIMES TODAY. RT @realDonaldTrump People ask me what I do in my free time. The answer–I don’t have any.
instagram always coming through for me with ads for things i want, and can afford, and can convert into a device for time travel
why is my iphone predictive text so obsessed with trying to get me to go to church… every time I say “how’s…” it suggests “church.” same for “just going…” and “I’m at…” is Apple trying to save me
Bartender: What can I get you, gorgeous?
Me: The blood of all my enemies.
Bartender:
Me:
Bartender:
Me: Miller Light
CEO: we need to cut legal in half
Legal: i’m the only one here
CEO: yep
friend: how’d you get all that money?
me: i made a deal with the devil
[earlier]
the devil: $30k for the car, final offer
me: ok deal
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
What a heatwave. I just fried an egg on the top of my car! I needed help to get the cooker up there, but it was worth it.
16,875,547,322 traffic-related bug deaths so far this year
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Ladies, if you love zoos and meet a nice man who’s in charge of one, he’s a keeper.
Son: I want a quinceañera.
Me: You can’t have one
Son: Why not?
Me: Just asking this makes me realize why you failed spanish 1 last year
*ps: he is also 16*
Why are they called “nuns” when chickmonks was sitting right there?
Michael Cera, in a public restroom, pinned to the opposite wall by the force of the hand-dryer.
Them: who ya gonna call
Me: ghostbusters
Them: sweet, what’s the number
Me: they didn’t say
Him: You are a souless ginger.
Me: Far from it. I’ve collected hundreds of souls. I keep them in an ancient wooden box.
Him: Funny!
Me: If they make too much noise at night I squirt them with the water bottle.
Him: *nervous laugh*
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
There’s a lot I don’t know about Christianity
The rest of the year
May: Murder hornets
June: Sexual harassment spiders
July: Pedophile bears
August: Active shooter lions
September: Burglar Tigers
October: Hijacker sharks
November: Kidnapper Wolves
December: pyramid-scheme alligators
I was told that I could have anything as long as I applied myself, but the loan officer at my bank begs to differ.
I told my 12yr old she wasn’t allowed to make pancakes without supervision. So I come back and she’s making crepes.
I swear, even my ex lasted longer than my phone battery does.
Has science gone too far?
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
My theory is that the captain of the Titanic crashed on purpose because the band kept playing songs off their new album
Every day is a struggle to resist the overwhelming biological urge to throw a frozen watermelon into a hot deep fat fryer but yes, I’d love to help you plan a formal dinner party.
No, your baby was definitely crying before I dropped it, that’s why I dropped it.