In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.
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Interviewer: What were you doing during this two-year gap on your résumé?
Me: Downloading a software upgrade on my iPhone.
I’m not a jealous person, unless of course you have coffee and I don’t.
Don’t go chasin’ waterfalls. If a waterfall isn’t staying in place you probably have bigger things to worry about. Run for your life.
Me: *wearing my Burger King crown
Passport photographer: No
Stop telling the people you don’t agree with to go to hell or we’re gonna be surrounded by people we don’t like.
Boss: I’m afraid I’m going to have to let you go
Me (a trapeze artist): Now!?!?
Scissors Commercial:
*Montage of people karate chopping paper in half*
Narrator: Don’t you wish there was a better… Nevermind that was rad
Ended a relationship today. Don’t worry, it wasn’t mine.
i love horror films but this one with the killer making people stay at their desks after work is next level sick.
No one has tried to kill me in awhile, and my body double is openly complaining the job I hired him for is less exciting than promised.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
Cool thing about this wind storm is I now own 18 new trash cans..
Turns out a spiral-cut ham will not walk down stairs like a Slinky.
You never really know if you’re out of invisible ink
Whoa, just saw two FedEx guys pass each other without waving. Wonder what’s going on there.
ME: where’s Jim
GUY: your guess is as good as mi—
ME: the moon
GUY: ok no
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
“Where do escalators come from?”
“Well, when an Escalade and an alligator love each other very much…”
“Make it look like he had a happy little accident”
-Bob Ross, Mob Boss
My daughter is so excited to climb the rope in gym class today that I’m starting to doubt she’s mine.
I built a tricycle pram tonight
*adds bike mechanic to the resume*
If I got stranded on a deserted island, I’d arrange rocks to form huge letters on the beach for rescue aircraft to read. It would say:
“THIS IS ACTUALLY FINE”
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
“Whoa there my friend, you need to leave me out of this, this ain’t got nothing to do with me.”
–The horse they rode in on
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
My neighbor is sitting in his driveway, wearing tank top and shorts, drinking a beer, smoking a cigar, and blasting Celine Dion’s “My Heart Will Go On.”
I know we are supposed to check on our neighbors but I think he’s good.
Watched my neighbor pull off this morning with his coffee on top of his car.
I could have warned him, but I’m out of stuff to watch.
#OnMyPetsChristmasList
More red dots please
The irony of my 12-year-old son pointing out that there is a spot on his cutlery while he hasn’t showered in a week is delicious.
mmm onion ringos