[watching video of an amazing feat]
Age 20: i could do that
Age 30: he’s amazing
Age 40: doesn’t that guy work
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Pro Tip: wash your hands after you shake mine
Remember in Mario Kart when you thought you were in first place? Then realized you were looking at the wrong screen and crashing into walls and shit..
That’s adulthood….
If Yoga is hot and out of breath, what does Yoga do?
Yoga pants.
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
I can’t tell if the vegans upstairs are having sex or are finally eating a steak.
Holmes: “I say, old bean, is that mud on your boots?” Watson: “No, shit, Sherlock”
A saltwater crocodile’s bite can exert up to 3,700 lbs of pressure per square inch, which scientists say is notably less than that produced by my Dad Stare. Tread carefully, chief
people say they’re “over the moon” when they’re happy, but it’s a lie; the moon is one of those things you will never truly get over
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
The definition of Irony:
Your job sucks
Your kids suck
Your life sucks
Your wife…doesn’t
MOBSTER: *cracks knuckles*
ME: that supposed to intimidate me?
*his fingers start to glow like glowsticks*
ME: k I’m scared but thats rad
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
My kid, describing the size of the raindrop that “hurt” his face
first you must answer his riddles
the 2yr old is walking around going, “sus, sus,” and I wondered what I was doing to have him question my motives.
turns out he just wanted apple sauce
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
concern
Quick question: do you pee before or after sex? I pee after. I haven’t been able to pee in months
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
[on phone to gf]
her: “you never understand me anymore so..”
me: “so what?”
her: “we’re breaking up”
me: “i can hear you fine”
6: you’re going 75
Me: I am, but it’s the speed limit
6: that’s 7 groups of ten and 5 ones. That’s almost 100!
Me: …please don’t tell your teacher I was going almost 100 on the highway
inventor of grenades: *holding avocado* i wish this was louder
I just bit into a dorito and had a piece of cool ranch seasoning fly into my eye and blind me and make me scream like I was being burned with acid so maybe don’t let me on your apocalypse survival team
If you think flossing before a dentist appointment is bad, just wait until your first colonoscopy.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
professor: you, explain the philosophy of predeterminism
me: I guess I don’t have a choice
professor: great job
me: what
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
Well, it took 29 years, but I finally watched the original Jurassic Park, a cautionary tale about understaffing your engineering department and letting people push code directly to prod.