Bylaws shmylaws I’m digging a moat.
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[first day at mcdonalds]
guy: can i get a large fry
me: you mean like a potato
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
random dude: heeeeeeeeey
me: i know how to hide a body
Crazy how they’re still wasting money on sleep research, when we all already know that the necessary sleep time is five minutes more.
My name in Grease would be ChoRizzo.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
The Matrix described 1999 as the peak of human civilization and I laughed because that would obviously not age well but then the next 23 years happened and now I’m like yeah okay maybe the machines had a point
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If I sold everything I own I could probably take that $137 and get a fresh start somewhere.
SOLDIER DYING IN MY ARMS: tell everyone of my bravery
[me 3 months later]
I think he had a brewery
I think the first person to see a pug was like wait why is that sweet potato snorting?
The best thing about sitting next to the white guy with dreads on the bus is no one thinks you’re the one that farted
My kid is gonna make an awesome lawyer, she can already prove me wrong by recalling every single one of my inconsistent parenting precedents
I made fun of a guy for still having a Nokia phone. He threw it at me and knocked me unconscious.
I’m going to clean *the house
*my glasses
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
After watching the Thriller music video, my kids asked what Michael Jackson transforms into. I told them he becomes a werewolf & my 4yo said, “why is it called a werewolf when I saw it right there on the TV?”
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
*pounding on Sunday’s still chest*
STAY WITH ME GODDAMMIT STAY WITH ME
Unicorns to the left of me
Mermaids to the right
Here I am
Stuck in the Centaur with you
Raccoons always look like they are in the middle of telling a story about how big something was.
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Wife: Rock the baby.
Me: *plugs in amp*
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
[sitting in van]
Robber 1: Ready?
Robber 2: Let’s do this!
Me: How do I…*trying to open egg container of pantyhose*…open this?