I don’t know why I would want to “Keep Up” with them…
I don’t even know where Kardashia is.
(geography’s not my strong suit)
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Me: And for my third wish…
Genie: You realize that Little Caesar’s pizza is very affordable, right?
I was really tired today and then I ate something healthy and soon after had energy. Why aren’t more people talking about this?? Just one more thing They don’t want us to know I guess
Oh no, my favorite furniture store is going out of business again still.
Save us all the headache of buying my kids more toys.
Just give me money and I’ll put it on the floor & trip on it before pocketing it.
reading rob zombie’s name is a real wild ride. at first you’re like “rob? ok, i know what we’re dealing with here”. then things get weird
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
If you’re not sure about having kids, have someone say “Mom!” 100 times before 7am & see if it’s right for you.
A missing princess, an evil prince, a conniving queen, and a dying king? England has become a Disney movie.
Crawling into a nice warm barrel of toxic waste and dissolving sounds so appealing…but is it worth the risk of developing super powers or some extra shit like that? So tired.
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
me: what do you want from me
wife: a divorce
me: i meant for christmas
Chines crypto account who dm’ed me was suspended before I could respond. Can’t help but wonder, did I miss out on a great opportunity?
The newlywed couple laughed when I gave them blankets labeled “his” and “hers.” Obviously this is their first marriage.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
“sorry i went off topic haha” -me, never having been anywhere near a topic
I’m an ass man, myself. 100% ass. Made of ass & butts & that’s it. This thing that looks like a face? Ass. These fists? Little butts. Hi.
I only watch the groundhog festivities in hopes that Punxsutawney Phil will maul someone.
One quality im not looking for in a potential partner is the ability to maintain a virtual farm
Interviewer: “Your resume says you’re good at jumping to conclusions?”
Me: “When can I start?”
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
ADAM: [rummaging through a pile of leaves] EVE, HAVE YOU SEEN MY WORK CLOTHES, HONEY?
Me: Green please
God: All goneMe: Hazel then
God: Also goneMe: Blue
God: GoneMe: Whatever, just make them big
God: DoneMe: *looks down* I meant my eyes, you dummy
Three things that are certain in life~
1) Death
2) Paying taxes
3) Somewhere a woman is pissed at a man ….
My Sentiments Exactly
How did harry potter get down the hill?? Walking .. JK Rownling
Them: Yeah my cat is completely happy being vegan
Cat:
Not to brag or anything, but I scored 4 points on flappy bird before my phone mysteriously flung itself across the room
Life is different in Christian frats:
“You should’ve seen this hot chick I didn’t bang.”
“Way to save it for marriage, bro.”
*fist bump*
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person