[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You Might Also Like
I like to sleep naked. I don’t understand why airlines have a problem with this.
My professor doesn’t believe in laser pointers so he uses a fishing pole with a foam finger attached and I can’t contain myself during lecture lmao
*Refuses to go to the gym
Adds resistance training to workout list.
Less concerned about the rotten apples than the really stupid ones.
Missionary, so we can keep arguing
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I question Chrysler’s dedication to the safety of it’s customers with names like Dodge and Ram.
Saw a house on zillow with a built-in wine fridge and it’s no longer for sale, so that will always be the one that got away
A ninja turdle is when you poop really fast.
Twinkle twinkle little star,
I want to hit you with a car,
Throw you off a street so high,
Hope you break your neck and die.
The in-laws took my kids for a sleepover giving us the first kid-free night in years. So, of course, a jackhammer started in front of our house at 7:30am
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
I’d like to give a shout-out to the shower curtain, for always sticking by my side
got kicked out of Home Depot for trying to ride the forklift into the bathroom again
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
friend: you can kill ants with a magnifying glass
[later at thanksgiving dinner]
aunt: aww what are you doing with that magnifying glass?
me: i’m gonna beat you to death with it
me: this house is making lots of creaky sounds
realtor: that just means it’s settling
my fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
*brings ramen noodles to your cookout*
Stop blaming plate tectonics; it’s not their fault.
[old couple feeding ducks in the park]
“Nothing could ruin this Edna”
*I scare all the ducks away, punch the old man and steal their bread
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Me: I just got let go from my security guard job at the prison.
Friend: Well, they say when one door closes, another one opens.
Me: I’M AWARE OF WHY I WAS FIRED, DOUG!
strongly relate to the honey cake’s needs
Shouldn’t Spiderman have 4 more legs?
In my will, when I die…
To my ex husbands, I have left a shovel and a buried treasure in the Catskills. One of you already has the map.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
Interviewer: What would you like to get out of this job?
Me: As many free office supplies as possible.