I struggle against the ropes binding me, catching the scent of gas. “You’ll die too,” I say.
“9 lives,” my cat whispers, lighting a match.
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Just ate three bottles of Flintstone’s vitamins and threw my car like a frisbee
My wheelchair keeps making a screaming noise when I run over people.
coworker: Do you want a plate?
me [carrying 2 pieces of cake out of the break room] For what?
I would definitely deny being from here if the aliens pulled up and asked. Not claiming this embarrassing planet in front of intergalactic travellers, are you dumb?
SON: Why did mommy leave?
ME: You know how in your fav movie the t-rex fights the velociraptors even though it might die?
SON: Yeah
ME: She said that shit was fake yo
i can always see the flash of disappointment n a guy’s face when i tell them i have a great relationship with my dad.
Me: I ran into Aryan, who works at the airport
Dad: who?
Me: I ran into that guy who works at that place
Dad: oh Aryan
The stages of sharing a vacation rental with another family are:
1. Wish we were more like them
2. At least we’re not like them
Hormonal teenage daughter: Where do you want to be buried?
Me: You mean after I die, right?
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
I don’t want to be cremated when I die. I want my body thrown on a group of unsuspecting, cocky teens in a haunted house.
[first day in Hell]
Me: I can’t wait to bust out of here
Devil: there is no escape
Me: no? [shakes kool-aid packet]
Date: Uhh seriously?
Me: Oh don’t tell me you don’t sneak food into the movies too
*dips lobster in my pocket filled with melted butter*
WAITER: u can choose between 6 chocolate desserts and carrot cake
ME: the 6 chocolate desserts please
I need to get baked …goods for the staff party this afternoon.
A Video no one needed, but since I miss saying these things, here is what Product Managers actually do.
Ask & say a bunch of random things to sound smart.Hope I get hired for my honesty at least if not for my skills 😀
It’s not rude to hand visitors a timer when they show up, right??
COP: So what happened?
ME: He stole my watch & ran away down the road
COP: Can you describe it?
ME: It’s like a big path that cars drive on
Who needs horror films when there are true crime docs on Tinder dating
Me: Good news, the pastor said I’m never going to die.
Friend: He said you’re IMMORAL, not immortal.
Me: He also said I’ll be super hot forever.
Friend: He said you’ll burn in Hell for eternity.
Still being single at the age of 32 just means I statistically avoided my first divorce.
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
Me: You are not going to believe this…
Priest: Your confessions will always be belived, my child
Me: There is no toilet paper over here.
[breakup]
Who should get the cat?
“I don’t know…let’s see who he loves the most”
{3 weeks later}
Can you tell?
“Nope”
“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
When a police officer seductively leans into your car window, he’s not going in for a kiss. Now I know.
There is nothing more important to me than my family that I pretend to have when I order takeout over the phone.
Is your wife single?
Casual sex robots have rebooty calls
“Bro, you want this pamphlet?”
“Brochure”