There’s only one good girl here!
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Isn’t it ironic that all of Alanis Morissette’s friends knew her song had nothing to do with irony but, being Canadian, were too polite to tell her.
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
I never set out to be the hottest woman in the nursing home yet here we are.
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
What do we want? A 2016 calendar! When do we want it? Late 2015!
Son: Mom, set a 30-minute timer on your phone.
Me: Okay.
[30 minutes later]
Son: What keeps beeping??
Me: I have no idea
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
MUGGER: *pulls out a knife*
ME: *pulls out a jar of marmalade and two biscuits*
MUGGER: Lovely.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
If my husband asks, we took a lit course together in college
911: hello this is 911
me: [panicky garbled mumbling]
911: do you have a too hot to eat pizza roll in your mouth
me: [confirmatory garbled mumbling]
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
[me living in a hallmark movie]
oh my gosh, my childhood love is still single? and here? in this small town?
well if we don’t fall in love and get together then the christmas tree farm will foreclose!
WE MUST GET MARRIED TO SAVE CHRISTMAS!
ANCHOR: Now over to Mike for the weather.
ME: IT’S REALLY WEATHERY RIGHT NOW, CARL, WITH MORE WEATHER TO COME! THAT’S IT FOR THE WEATHER!
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
I just want to be attractive enough to be considered for a part in an STD medication commercial.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Sorry we’re late, my kid thought he couldn’t go to school with hiccups
If my wife ever hired a private detective to follow me, it would be to get pictures of me not using the coupons I said I used.
Whenever someone doesn’t text me back, I just assume we’re in a fight that I wasn’t aware of.
Before pulled pork, pork just used to stand on the edge of the dance-floor, nodding to the music and looking cool.
Tampax needs to extend the string to 2ft so I can hang myself with it every month.
LOST DOG: 4 year old border collie. Still living at home but doesn’t know what to do with his life.
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
Today I learned that wolves are not ticklish. Tomorrow I need to learn how to tie my shoes with one hand.
me: I know we’ve only been together a short time, but I made you a mixed tape
kidnapper: 😳
*ruins your party with a can of Serious String*