Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
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Getting picked last for kickball every time didn’t affect me at all. In fact, I barely remember it now, 51 years and seven months later.
Drug dealers are always late. If your drug dealer is on time, it’s the police.
Substitute teaching 1st graders was not at all the Dead Poets Society experience I was hoping it would be.
Me: I can’t work today.
Boss: Why?
M: My grandma died.
B: Our grandmas died 20 yrs ago.
M: …
-Why working for your brother is a bad idea.
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
Me, seductively: I can tie the stem in a knot using my tongue 😉
Pumpkin patch owner: Get out
i have locked myself in the bathroom. do not ask me how it happened. because i don’t have that information. hopefully. my stuffed fren sebastian. has already called. the proper authorities
when someone calls you and you miss the call but you call them back literally one second later and they don’t answer. what’s going on there. did you drop your telephone in a well. did you get axe murdered.
Life’s too short to have your shit together.
I’m annoyed giraffes don’t eat birds directly outta the sky
[job interview]
“Name one of your strengths”
I didn’t stab anyone today
“That’s not-”
Yesterday wasn’t so good tho
EVERYBODY NEEDS TO STOP WHAT THEY ARE DOING RIGHT NOW AND ACKNOWLEDGE THE FACT THAT I HAVE JUST SEEN A BEAVER.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
You’ll never be as lazy as whoever named the fireplace.
My lockdown lifestyle is like that of the wife of an as-yet-undiscovered serial killer in the 70’s.
– home alone daily in a housedress / nightgown
– making ice in trays
– doing housework
– going through old boxes wondering where did all this weird women’s jewelry come from
*rip*
stupid
*rip*
automatic
*rip*
STOP
*rip*
GIVING
*rip*
ME
*rip*
PAPER
*rip*
TOWELS
*rip*
[party]
me: ugh who invited that guy, he’s so childishher: he’s 7 and it’s his birthday
Me: What’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first.
Me: Okay, I’ll have a coke.
Barman: Is Pepsi okay?
Me: Sure. How much is that?
Barman: £3.
Me: There you go. So what’s the wifi password?
Barman: You need to buy a drink first. No spaces, all lowercase.
instagram: look at my new boyfriend
twitter: I can’t get a boyfriend
reddit: my [21F] boyfriend [53M] boyfriend forbids me from going into the basement and has a sock drawer full of missing women’s driver’s licenses, AITA for being uncomfortable? the wedding is in three hours
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Not so fast. Let me introduce you to…THE GREAT SUMMER CHORE CHART OF 2017!
*3 kids faint, 1 runs away*
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
[explaining why we got fat]
Friend: I had a baby
Me: I had a donut
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
if i stick just one toe outside my front door somehow it will cost me $40
Imagine the scariest ride you’ve ever been on ….
Got it?
Then there’s dating me.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
FDA has lowered the buying age for Plan B to 15. If you’re younger than that, you’re not responsible enough so shut up and have your baby.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me