Four engineers get into a car. The car won’t start.
Mechanical engineer: It’s a broken starter.
Electrical engineer: Dead battery.
Chemical engineer : Impurities in the gasoline.
IT engineer: Hey guys, I have an idea. How about we all get out of the car and get back in.
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I get worried when someone posts a kitten pic with a foreign language, I don’t know if they’re showing a cute kitty pet or their dinner.
BABY: WAAAAAAA-
ME: Shhhh, it’s okay.
BABY: -AAAAAAAA-
ME: shhhh….
BABY: -AAAAAALUIGI!
ME: wtf
BABY: (whispering) No one will believe you.
Will you marry me – Proposal
Will, You, Mary, Me -foursome request
Will, you marry me – Timetravler spoiling the future
Will you, Mary me – Cavewoman Introducing herselfPunctuation, it’s THAT important!
Screw that. I love this bench and I don’t care who knows it!
First 20 minutes driving through farm country: “Isn’t this pretty?”
Next 3 hours: *can’t remember a life before corn*
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
Loan sharks are just like regular sharks, except you have to give them back.
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
It’s called “personal grooming” as though we might get confused and groom a total stranger.
Cop: Pull over
Me: you cold bro?
Some things you recycle, some you throw away. For example: Paper & plastic you recycle. Opportunities, love and your future you throw away.
Van lifers be like “we converted our minivan into a mobile home for our family of 12 with 7 pets!”
You know, my dream for gaming is where in one game you’ll shoot someone and then during a game of say Fifa you’ll see their son crying
Her: did you accidentally take an extra Ambien?
Me: why?
Her: who vacuums their bed?
Me: the unicorns like a clean place to lay.
When someone says they were shook, I presume they meant as a baby.
Helen Hunt but only when Helen hungry.
Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t wear a blanket to work
PRIEST: god knows how you’re behaving, and has a huge problem with it
ME (wasn’t listening): and also with you
Kidnappers: *repeatedly dropping me as I slip through their grip*
Me: *earnestly apologizing for how sweaty I get during social interactions*
Hear me out: a Menstrual pad shaped like dinosaurs called The Jurassic Period
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.
I watched a YouTube video about six signs you have depression and are not just lazy. I’m happy to report that apparently, I’m just lazy.
Divide and conquer? Ok. *opens calculator app*
There’s a brewery right next to my kid’s karate class. I propose we combine these two businesses — call it ‘Hops n Chops’.
contractor: [looking at a water leak in my office] ok so it’s just a simple fix. you could do it yourself if you wanted to
me: yea i don’t
Me: Tonight we dine like kings!
*checks wallet*
Me: Like burger kings!
5 easy ways to make money as a writer:
• Sell your blood
• Return cans and bottles
• Shoplift and re-sell items from a cart
• Learn to play guitar and busk
• Pawn your laptop