A single text to my mom is like pulling that loose thread on a sweater.
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Obama: Joe, look. Full moon
Biden: What? TONIGHT? *starts shapeshifting*
Obama: Joe?
Biden: AARRGHHH
*Gore kicks door down*
Gore: MANBEARPIG
ME: [putting a condom on]
HER: it doesn’t go on me
Yes, auto-correct, I wanted to wish my friend a happy 4th of Judy.
Could you set a lightsaber on low and use it as a back scratcher?
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
robbers: [leaving with my tv]
me: WAIT
robbers:
me: can you close the door
I’m not a fan of camping, if I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
When I get bored on a Zoom meeting, I put a cursor under the speaker’s nose to make it look like they have a booger.
therapy: $500
tattoo: $500 but cooler
The nice thing about putting a bowl of ice in front of a fan while you sleep is that you wake up to a finger bath to clean yourself up after all the rotisserie chicken you sleep eat.
Me: mmm daddy, all up in there
Priest: it’s “our father who art in heaven”
*steps out of the time machine* Me: what year is this?
Wife: Stop playing with the washing machine.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
Man, I was just reminded that the world is supposed to end this year and I haven’t even started packing yet.
[phone rings]
CREEPY VOICE: i know what you did last summer
ME: ?!?
CREEPY VOICE: same thing we all did, try to not get covid
Start letting police dip their finger in the drugs and have a taste like in the movies. Recruiting problems solved.
put ‘er there pardner!
[throws dirty diaper away]
– OMG WHAT R U DOING?!
– it’s gross im not touching that
– GET THE BABY OUT OF THE TRASH & CHANGE IT!
– ugh, fine
putting soup in a square tupperware…… it’s just not right. it should be a circle one which is the shape of soup
Me at home: I want peace on earth and good will to men.
Me while grocery shopping: If one more idiot blocks the aisle, I’m going to run them over with my cart like grandma getting run over by a reindeer.
I don’t care how many dictionaries say otherwise, as far as I’m concerned a goatee is someone who’s been goated.
walk through life confidently like a NYer does through a red crosswalk signal
Before kids: “I will make everything from scratch. We’ll be so healthy.”
After kids: “Someone bring me my binder of takeout menus.”
Do not steal food from the science building!
A good curse on a writer would be “may you realize halfway through that your novel is in the wrong tense”
Really, there’s no need to ever take your kids anywhere fun because they can just sit and complain at home for a lot less money.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.