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Sia’s full name is: “Sia…Wouldntwannabia.”
Over on that new social media site, nudes are called Threadbares
some people recharge in nature. some people recharge at the olive garden.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
Meet Brian, my monkey butler. He’s gonna help out around the office.
*Monkey flinging office equipment out the window*
Brian hates clutter.
My wife asked me to toast some bread for her. So, I raised my beer and said, “Here’s to bread.”
I might be drinking too much…
Protip: If you refer to yourself as “someone” when explaining something bad that happened, your wife will always know that “someone” is you.
Another normal evening
Cook food – 30 minutes
Eat it – 5 minutes
Check Facebook – 1 minute
Check Twitter – 8 hours
Why does every dog run the moment you ask “what’s in your mouth”
[murders Aquaman with some super absorbent paper towels]
By iPhone 30, you’ll have a choice. Whether to buy an iPhone or an island in the Caribbean.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
me: ok I am gonna get on the roof to fix something
12, concerned: are you sure it will hold you?
Can’t afford the chiropractor so I’m just going to lay down in the road and hope for the best.
You can confuse and ultimately disappoint a lot of people if your trick or treating costume is “pizza delivery man”
9yo: “Hey mom? Do we have any duct tape? And before you say anything, I PROMISE we’re not going to put it ON anyone. I mean like…not exactly anyway.”
What month is it? Why is summer so long?
*catches frisbee*
“this is the kinda thing I mean when I say you guys don’t take staff meetings seriously”
I hate it when people don’t know the difference between “You’re” and “Your”
There stupid…
No, LinkedIn. I would not like to link my Twitter account but thank you for trying to get me unemployed for life.
Why do we say “say it don’t spray it” and not “stop talking spit”?
[seeing an angel, appearing to be a glorious half-bird, half-human being]
me: *very hesitantly throwing bread at it*
Be the reason why your local woods are haunted.
[product pitch meeting]
BOSS: ok what have you come up with
ME: a turbo walker for seniors
BOSS: but how would their legs even keep up
ME [proudly]: with these roller skates
“Since you both claim to be this infant’s mother, we’ll cut the baby in half.”
OK.
Sounds reasonable.
“Y…uh, alright then. Let’s do this.”
I drank so much Mt. Dew my taste buds turned into tase bros.
Putting a little orange juice on my hands before I go to the butterfly pavilion so people think I have a special gift
If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
He kept asking to see “more” of me but for some reason my colonoscopy results were “too much”
Foh
All I’m saying is that I’ve chaperoned a 25 student class field trip and you’re definitely in trouble if you lose even one of them.