*puts one hand on hip, sips tea, stares out of the window at the rain*
“This is just ridiculous”
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I wanted to make my apartment feel more like a hotel, so I charged myself $40 for a cheese plate and watched the second half of Gladiator
shaved my legs in case there’s someone hot and single aboard the ufo
rewatching the dark knight and im crying at how harvey dent ain’t know it was the Joker until he took off the mask 😭😭
[At the funfair]
*Fire alarm sounds*
Me: *in the hall of mirrors* oh no.
How cold is it? I just snapped off an ear putting on my mask.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
Just some repair guys and me at work right now. If a pizza delivery guy and a director show up, I’m leaving.
Relationship status: I just found a piece of chicken in my hair.
I ate it.
Then looked for more.
I just sneezed and made direct eye contact with my dog and we somehow didn’t switch bodies wtf disney??
I wear the same 2 Halloween costumes every year. I start off as a “ghost” and end up as a “drunk ghost that needs a ride home.”
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Me at 25: I am not going to be one of those adults who just gives up on fashion
Me at 35: I wear nightgowns as dresses because they’re softer
My kid criticized my handwriting on her birthday card so yes, all those hours of drug-free labor were totally worth it.
The theory of evolution has one fatal flaw, and it’s that pandas exist.
No way these buffoons survived before humans other than by miracles and divine intervention
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
“Instruction manuals are for amateurs,” I proclaim, just prior to assembling the item in such a way that not even the manufacturer would recognize it
Everyone wants a wild, obsessive love until it parks on their lawn and sets up a tent next to the shrubbery.
Wait… we’re supposed to be learning from our mistakes?!
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Reporter: How has winning the lottery changed your life?
Me: [chasing a raccoon with nunchucks] I can finally afford to do the things I love
*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[experiment to see if infinite monkeys on infinite typewriters will produce the complete works of shakespeare]
scientist 1: well?
scientist 2: close a few times sir, but someone keeps adding question marks to everything
s1, over loudspeaker: curious george to the front please
Throws caution into the wind.
Comes back and hits me in the face.
Remember everyone’s fighting their own private battle. For example we’re out of corn chips so I ate salsa with potato chips and lost part of my soul
If it takes 13 muscles to smile and 33 to frown, how do we tell if someone’s happy and not just lazy?
My kid: Did you know that you can see your own nose, but your brain chooses to ignore it?
Me: Kinda like how your brain chooses to ignore the mess in your room?
So the US is to send 3000 troops to help combat ebola.
Does anyone else get the feeling they don’t know what ebola is?