“This isn’t my first rodeo.” He said, confidently. “Now help me get on this pointy cow.”
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A guy hands me a lit doobie at a party. I panic and pretend to play it like a tiny trumpet.
“Faster!” I yell, dropping into the bank from the open skylight.
“I’m trying!” Shouts my grandma from above, furiously knitting more cable.
Maybe the wolf from The Neverending Story still has nightmares about me, too.
date: i’m very level-headed
me: [furious that the word ratify doesn’t mean to turn something into a rat] omg me too
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
The Purge: Valentine’s Day
[First date]
Her: I like bad boys.
Me: *trying to impress* I have it on Blu-ray.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
I know this now.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
Am I the only one who wonders why the Flintstones celebrate Christmas.
You say “I ate so much that I’m too full to drink now” I say “poor planning”…
When you show someone a photo on your phone and they start scrolling through your photos, it’s legal to slap their nosy face.
Serial killers have ruined my opinion of people with three names. Sorry Carly Rae Jepsen your music is great but I dont trust you
A new report claims 90% of fish could be wiped out in a mass extinction. On the plus side – it will make it much easier to find Nemo.
Tonite’s SuperMoon is Super versus October’s FullMoon only if you think 16.05inch pizzas are Super relative to 16inch pizzas
As long as my dog gets walked 4 times a day (with one of these taking place at approximately midnight) then she doesn’t go on the downstairs carpet. So easy!
Him: Correct me if I’m wrong.
Me: Oh don’t worry, I will.
When the horse rides back into camp without the rider, it’s never good news, but no one ever suspects the horse.
Global warming is real the number of hot singles in my area has been increasing since 2007 that cannot be a coincidence
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
me *choking*
dog *grabs the sandwich I dropped and brings it to her bed*
boss: what are you doing this weekend?
me: more like who 😉
boss: *sigh* who are you doing this weekend?
me: no one 🙁
her: sugar?
me: *flirting seductively* yes, honey?
her (a barista): please take your coffee and leave
if you tell me to watch until the end, the end better be in five seconds
I’m a 40 yr old man sitting at a Café with my eyes closed, squirting packets of mayo from under the table at the window as people walk by.
remember when u found out the french word for seal was phoque and u were like this is the best day of my phoquing life
I’m sorry I joined the zoom with my flames of hell background
Volkswagen’s crimes are CHARMING compared to Samsung’s immeasurable noise pollution with their default whistling asshole ringtone.
Yes I have exams.
No, I’m not easily distracted.
Yes, my shadow is interesting.
Interviewer: why did you leave your last job?
Me: hmm that’s a tough one. I guess I’d probably have to say listening is my biggest strength