a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
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*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
If you have trouble sleeping, you’re destined to marry someone who falls asleep in 10 seconds and will hate them for it.
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
The first time God made the universe, he skipped leg day. All men were weeping creatures, who ended in bloody torsos and begged for death.
It’s all fun in the sun until a swarm of mosquitoes is carrying your kid across the yard.
I have a great story to tell u.
“Why don’t u just go write a book”
Wow, that’s-
“Don’t u dare say it-”
a novel idea.
“I’m moving out”
pelicons
Did you hear about the latest James Bond movie where he procrastinates about coloring his hair?
It’s called Dye Another Day
i used to store stuff in my bra bc i hated carrying a purse. this one time i was making out with a guy n he unhooked my bra and a bunch of shit clunked onto the floor. he stopped and was like “what is that?” and i was like “don’t worry about it” and he was like “is that a knife?”
People are posting pictures of their Christmas trees all decorated, and I’m over here like, “Does anyone know if we have a clean plate?!”
PLEASE HELP MY BIOLOGY TEACHER ASKED WHATS THE OPPOSITE OF “DOMINANT” AND I CONFIDENTIALLY ANSWERED “SUBMISSIVE” TO THE WHOLE CLASS
Me: how about if I scrunch down a little more
DMV Photographer: you absolutely cannot have your horse in this picture
My family is sound asleep on this early Saturday morning
*Starts to vacuum
I’ve been eating healthy, so it’s not the best time to confront me on something trivial.
overheard my 7yo telling a friend he speaks Italian but what the friend doesn’t know is to my son speaking Italian just means shouting “ITSA ME! MARIO!”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
I mostly keep friendships going because they have my good Tupperware
My dog stayed up late playing with the neighbor dog last night and then he slept till 11am and he won’t tell me a thing about her, is this what it’s like to parent a teenager?
Growing up in the Midwest means I am not embarrassed to eat a pound of fried macaroni in a setting, but I am embarrassed to admit ever having sex to my family at the age of 36.
[United]
This is your captain speaking. Underneath each of your seats is a broadsword. In the words of Highlander, there can be only one.
Exercise makes you look better naked, so does tequila, choose wisely my friends
Girlfriend: I think we should spend some time apart from each other.
Me: Hiatus?
Girlfriend: I hate us too.
Life hack: giant marshmallows make cheap teeth whitening strips
The child: (hearing someone get mad) you say that word sometimes, Mommy.
Me: What word?
The child: Funking.
Me: No, honey, I don’t ever say funking.
Just undertaken the get on the scales to weigh yourself and off even quicker post-holiday move.
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
Welcome to Insults Я Us, you sack of crap. Buy some stuff if you’re not too cheap. Maybe eat out of a garbage can. You’d probably like that
Guy Fieri is the live action version of the cartoon version of himself.
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
Nuff said? No seriously, what did Nuff say?