Johnny Depp was the ultimate bad boy until he started looking like my great aunt.
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fish: Clive, yes, I’m breaking up with you. But, you’ll be ok. There’s plenty of, you know, fish in the sea
People often say “I’m too young for this shit” or “I’m too old for this shit” but never “this shit right here is age-appropriate”
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
Is this waiter flirting with me because they just handed me a piece of paper that says ME N U
This cop standing next to my car wouldn’t let me finish my tweet until I signed something for him.
Why are some people so needy?!
Hiking is useful if you like the outdoors, fitness, or finding new and interesting places to dispose of bodies
Black Friday: Because Only in America, People trample others for Sales the day after being thankful for what they already have
At first I felt loved when the wife called me a trophy until I saw her google taxidermist
good cop: don’t make me get the bad cop in here
bad cop: [pulling on the push door] almost got it
good cop: god he is so bad at everything
I got fired from my office job for misunderstanding the meaning of 3 hole punch.
CAPTAIN AMERICA: *punches guy* Take that villain
CAPTAIN BRITAIN: *punches guy* Take that guvnor
CAPTAIN CANADA: *punches guy* I am so sorry
My daughter asked me for money on a FaceTime call and I pretended like the screen froze up and she tells me, “Mother, the ceiling fan is still moving.”
The student has surpassed the master
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Felt sad when I heard Taylor Swift is now with Tom Hiddleston.
Apparently, my subconscious thought I had a chance with Tom Hiddleston.
We should remove the warning labels from everything and let the stupidity problem take care of itself.
I knew I had succeeded as a life coach when they called me needing to be bailed out of jail.
I could save myself a whole bunch of time if I could just remember to take the cap off of my lip balm before using hand lotion.
THERE ARE 7 BILLION PEOPLE IN THE WORLD. WHY WOULD YOU HAVE SEX WITH KITCHENWARE?
Oh, that’s not what pansexual means. Carry on then.
me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
me: *swallows another quarter* no
“Money doesn’t grow on trees” is something rich people say so you won’t find their money trees.
You can lose a lot on a no carb, no sugar diet. I tried it and immediately lost my will to live.
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
I downloaded “ambient coffee shop” track. Just low talking, dish clanking, & one lady yelling “Finn. Look at mommy. FINN. You want a scone?”
Oh, so you’re a human?
name three pictures with traffic lights in them
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
One way to tell if what you’re watching isn’t really news is if the person is shouting at you.
Oh predictive text, how you tournament me.
*calls psychic hotline*
Psychic: how can I help you?
Me: well this is bullshit.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “