I bought new running shoes. They look really good while I sit outside and smoke
You Might Also Like
Me: I can just put this chicken in the freezer. I won’t need it for a while.
Me, tomorrow: I make poor decisions.
Joined Match.com… And all I got was a lit cigarette
Which is faster, hot or cold?
Hot, because you can catch a cold.
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
From mommies.
“How do they get inside?”
CAN’T U ASK WHY THE SKY IS BLUE HAVEN’T U WONDERED ABOUT THAT
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Last night, I spent 15 minutes at a party waiting for a man to move closer to a woman he was hitting on so I could reach behind him for Fritos
[first day as a bartender]
Customer: I’ll have a martini, dry
Me, staring at all the liquid ingredients: I don’t know how to tell you this
Just told my kids they had to share. Now they are dressed in long blacks wigs singing if I could turn back time.
ME: *spills red wine on carpet* I am so sorry
MY GIRLFRIEND’S DAD: That’s ok. So John, what do you do?
ME: *pulls carpet cleaning spray from my bag* Funny you should ask..
According to the 2nd law of thermodynamics, when parents relax, children must increase the amount of disorder in the universe to compensate.
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
Now that people ignore word meanings and say they haven’t done/seen/whatever something “in a minute” when they actually mean anything from a week to thirty years, I’m going to take that concept in the other direction and describe small time periods as “several millenia.”
Apparently, “I understand why some animals eat their young,” is not a socially acceptable answer when someone asks you how you’re doing. Whatever.
Who called it asking the waiter about the specials and not retrieving data from the server
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Million dollar idea: make $100,000 ten times
Brain: I see you’re trying to sleep. Let me ruin your night by playing your worst memory from high school.
“Fidget toys” is just a term used by folks who got tired of folks yelling at them to stop flipping their goddamn keys.
Say what you want about nature vs nurture but I don’t remember teaching my 4yo to moon people.
Judge: how do u find the defendant
Me: he’s that dude in the orange jumpsuit your honor
Interviewer: So tell me a little about yourself. Me: I’d rather not, I really need this job.
I just opened a Capri Sun in the dark, sup ladies
doctor: I’ll need you to remove your underpants
me: *taking underpants off my head* fine
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
As there aren’t any female leprechauns, where do leprechauns come from
~ something to ponder every St Patrick’s Day
Scrooge: you there, girl, what day is it?
Rebecca Black: *inhales*
My decision to have kids was based solely on the fact that I was so tired of seeing movies in their entirety & craved constant interruption.