Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
You Might Also Like
Imagine meeting your doppelgänger and they can still eat cheese all day without repercussions
<Enter Password>
Morningbreath
<Password too strong>
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
Get you a man who isn’t really into movies: He’ll never know that sweet love note you wrote him is really just a series of lines from Field of Dreams.
Why is my purse so heavy?
*pulls out two tubes of sunscreen, extra pair of glasses, 3 cat toys, a circuit city gift card, and a 3 piece meal with two sides and a biscuit
People with Swiss bank accounts are often confused between their Bank balance and the Back Account number.
Going to change my display name here to “Actually…,” so I won’t have to type it out every time I reply to a tweet.
What do you mean you can’t tell what mood they’re in by how loud they clean the kitchen?
If chefs ever prepared food on the Moon, their dishes would surely be interesting, but their restaurants would have no atmosphere.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
“How much is that doggy in the window” is a dumb thing to write a song about. Just go ask one of the workers
First they came for the mime artists, and I said something, because I didn’t want them to think I was also a mime artist.
* Tries to keep eye contact on a date with a crab *
Crab : My eyes are up here.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
i show up for work with my head stuck in a turtle neck sweater with eye holes cut in it
What idiot called them dog tags instead of collar ID
Snape: but my lord, isn’t it more likely that the pure blooded child will have the magical ability to oppose you?
Voldemort: my nemesis isn’t going to be named Longbottom, jfc
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Got asked to be godfather of my niece, so if anything happens to her parents then someone else has to take care of her because I said no
People falling down has become a lot less funny now that I’m in my 40s and can incur permanent bodily damage from like yawning wrong
coworker: the big guy upstairs wants to see you.
me: God?
coworker: no. the boss. the big cheese.
me: (nods) Cheesus.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
*at the pet shop*
Me: Can I buy a goldfish?
Seller: Do you want an aquarium?
Me: I don’t care what star sign it is.
I just watched the girl next to me google “lack toast and tolerant symptoms”
Symptoms: you have no toast but it’s totally tolerable.
Grease is my favourite movie about how smoking gets you a boyfriend.
8yo: What does Dad do for work?
Me: Why don’t you ask him?
8yo: He told me to ask you.
Me: Well played. Well. Played.
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
Turns out I can hold my breath with a pillow over my face way longer than an old person. Innocent mistake..
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride