Just overheard someone describe their hike as “it was like mountain climbing, but flat”
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🤦🏻♀️😂😂
I yearn for simpler times when everyone was losing their shit over the word moist
Me every day: You kids drive me insane. I need a break.
Me before a kid-free trip: I CAN’T LEAVE MY LITTLE SUGAR PLUMS
I’m awake but I object,
[taking baby’s shoes off]
Oh what a surprise. Clean soles. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.
God: We’ll call it a “dolphin”.
Angel: And it’s like a friendlier shark?
God: Turn its frown upside down.
Angel: That’s not much of a diff-
God: Give it a sideways tail.
Angel: O…kay…
God: Punch a hole in its noggin.
This is the ideal bird body
You may not like it, but this is what peak performance looks like
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
inventor of oreos: in the center is yummy cream
nabisco: and the outside?
inventor: absolute garbage
nabisco: stop i love it
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of extra crispy.
Me: Sit.
Dog: (confused dog look)
Me: Stay!
Dog: (continues packing suitcase)
ME: I’m sorry, I’m just really bad with names.
HIM: Hey, don’t worry about it. Do you want to check your wallet? It’ll be on your driver’s license.
2 halloweens ago I was brutally owned by a small child when I answered my door in normal clothes and she said “nice lumberjack costume.”
My favorite animal is fried chicken.
*puts on strapless bra
*takes an extra Prozac
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
snack time! which shapeless, wiggly treat would you rather?
After your 5th sneeze I’m not saying bless you anymore.
You’re on your own
To stay safe in a fire, remember the acronym “DBOF”:
Don’t
Be
On
Fire
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
Yes. these are prescription Oreos.
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
Two hard boiled eggs I left on the table before going to wash hands?
Hands up if you’ve given yourself a bloody nose by swooping down a little too eagerly on the buffet and smashing into the sneeze guard.
So, just me? Okay.
When I force-quit my computer and then start it again, it turns into my parents. It’s not angry, just disappointed that Windows was not shut down properly.
Twitter fine art
60% of my childhood was spent showing all my work on math tests.
Loan me a couple bucks?
“Sure”
*throws 2 huge deer carcasses on counter*
Dude where did u get those?
“…”
Can I even pay with these?
If you breakdance you buy dance.
My baby bump popped this week, and I’m still waiting for the maternity clothes I ordered to arrive. If you see me walking around looking like Winnie the Pooh, just mind ya business.