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why isn’t there a shovelling event in the winter olympics
Our neighbour always gets my wife’s name wrong, so she started doing the same to him. She apologises and says English names “are challenging to remember” and “am I saying it right?”. His name is Ken
I wish there were musical cues in real life like there are in the movies so I’d know when I’m about to do something stupid.
It’s so cute how all the free sandwiches in the fridge at work have little names.
YOU: Hi.
ME: *breathes in deeply, making my body puff up so that it seems too big to eat*
Unsolved mysteries is my wife and I trying to figure out how we no longer have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we wore them.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Marriot: We charge about $400 a night
The Ritz: We charge about $1100 a night
Any American Hospital: You fools. You absolute peasants
Waiting for Bernie Sanders to come out from under the ring and hitting someone with a steel chair to claim the presidential belt.
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I only carry cash anymore in case I need to make a dramatic exit in the middle of coffee with a detective
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
I’m closing my pizza parlor. The Board of Health revoked my slicense.
A dressed cheeseburger implies the existence of a cheeseburger that’s still deciding what to wear.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
I’m taking myself to the movies this afternoon. I’ll probably hold my own hand and flirt with myself too.
“No please, let me buy the m&m’s. You’re so thin.”
In my 20s, I was bullied by a crow the size of a chicken for several months.
“Blood, Sugar, Sex, Magik” is a classic Red Hot Chili Peppers album, and also Criss Angel’s shopping list.
If necessary, pouring pickle juice into the coffee maker makes a house uninviting to 99% of house guests.
One day you’re young and eating hot wings, the next day you have a favorite flavor of Tums.
I went to the paint store to get thinner, it didn’t work.
If I was Juliet I would of said something more like this: Romeo , Romeo! Wherefore art my pizza, Romeo!?
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
“Don’t you dare. Don’t you lick it. Don’t! Do not lick the butter,” I yell threateningly at the cat.
Harness the power of my dog’s wagging tail and we could step into a much greener future.
Colleagues confronted me about my terrible similes. Like crows trapped in a Smucker’s jar, I’d have to murder my way out of yet another jam.
If alcohol has calories and calories are energy then cocktails are energy drinks
Welcome to twitter, the support group for people who like people who don’t like people.
SWAT: give up the hostages
RICK ASTLEY[holding a gun to my head]: you know I can’t do that